01 Life Is Life

{song life is life by noah and the whale}

i still believe in you.
you know,
you….

i don’t come here often anymore.
im not sure why, really.

maybe i am not so afraid
anymore
and spend more time outside living.

or maybe i am lazy or don’t feel as
creative as i used to.

probably its a little bit of everything.

there is so much i want to share
but one can only leak out so much life
on a little blog.

mostly, i have just been wondering where
the fuck i belong.

home keeps changing.

what was once a little cottage by the sea
with a boy and a cranky cat and surfboards, sandy sheets
sand-dollars and painted rocks

is now a room
where i can see the sea from the balcony
and a scrappy half blind black cat with a clipped ear
and no teeth.

none of it is bad or good
it just is kinda what is right now.

in the past year i have set up camp
in ireland, germany, italy, new mexico,
nags head, san francisco, arizona…

each place i go i feel a rush of
maybe this is home?
maybe this is where i belong.

the problem is not that i can’t find one perfect place
its that i can feel at home anywhere in a matter of minutes.
i’m not sure where i got this odd trait from
other than moving around abruptly as a kid

always being new and awkward,

kids adapt fast
and i suppose i never grew up.

i don’t think i believe in conventional homes
anymore
at least not for me.

there are no four walls that are going
to fill my heart up.
i love the idea of this of course

but there is something unsettling about
being locked in anywhere

especially when nothing is truly permanent.

i give away costume jewelry almost everytime
someone compliments something i have on
and i see the shock in their face
at the crazy stranger slipping off 5.00 rings
and placing them on their ring finger.
(if that finger is empty)

but im always getting new jewels
and it feels good to love something

and not be attached to it at the same time.

i think it would be fun to give it all
away before i go
and only die with a few dresses and maybe
a pretty pair of shoes

a good book and some love letters.

things don’t give me comfort
the way they used to.

people comfort me.
love comforts me.

home comforts me too.
even if my home
is in about 6 or 7 different places.

you will,
he says.

just for gods sake please
stop flinging yourself into
busy traffic…..

she was a wendy
and man did those lost boys stick
to her like molasses on a sunday morning breakfast.

she was their raw sugar,
uncrystallized,
a sweeter version of themselves
that was easier to digest
than their own runaway shadows.

she plucked them from the sea
one by one like a mermaid

licked the salt off their wounds
smoothed out their hair
and gave them turkey avocado sandwiches and red wine
to wash away the pain.

she crawled in the dank, bat infested caves
with them
on hands and knees
in a light blue nightie,

locked up their ugliest secrets
in the darkest part
of night.

and every now and then
she would wrap her
long legs around their waists
like a nymph set on fire
until the tears became sweat
and the sweat became release-

and for a brief moment they
became fresh and new,

hydrated and innocent.

and wendy,
really still a child herself-

unruffled by the worlds
cruelness,

flung herself onto
these pirate ships again and
again

net-free

and no matter how many times
she walked that plank

she leapt
with wild abandon
onto unstable ground.

and it was not that she did
not want to grow up herself,

she just wanted to grow up
on her own terms.

so
unable to relate to the world around her,

she adopted these lingering spirits
to mother back to life

all the while trying to
resasitate herself.

did it work?
did she have anything left
for herself in the end?

i don’t know.

but the possibility of greatness
and the naivety to loss

kept her flying
off to strange lands in the middle
of the night.

and that was something
she was not willing

to give up.

i find myself living in between a lot of questions
these days…
which leaves me a little uneasy.

i have always found comfort in lessons and answers.
if i know the why it gives me some kind of illusion of control.
understanding equals peace.

but what if i have a bunch of loose ends
floating around that are in no rush to be tied?
can i move on based on trust alone?

i admit there is a small part of all this is exciting to me.
all of a sudden there is a lot of room for movement and mystery.

it may be time for some big changes.
and a huge leap of faith.

(here i go again…)

strength is not just something you just casually
muster up.
it does not show up because you feel like it.

its not a lifesaver
or a passive friend.

its a wild tiger to be summoned.
a wolf of the spirit.

not to be taken lightly-
its a double dog dare from the universe.

and not for the faint of of heart….

its like this:

i can take a leap of faith,
i can have my heart broken into
a million little pieces

and then i can put on cherry lipgloss
and go out dancing,

i can buy an indian headdress on the side
of route 66
and i can drink mimosas and eat breakfast burritos,

decorate myself in glitter to cover up the tears

write poetry
and follow the moon across the desert

all the way back to my empty bed
and not have a nervous breakdown.

i can watch you walk away
and get myself together and laugh really loud
and cause a ruckus
and wear my new black buckled motorcycle boots

and be hopeful anyway.

because i have spent enough days being sad
trying to change things i have no control over.

and i have learned it is possible to be disappointed
and have fun at the same time.

you will not squish my magic.
i will not let you
this time……

the flat stereotypes
of her surroundings
did not apply
so she promply made up her
own.

its your side that
i will always be on

&its your
face
that will pull me out
of the gutter again and again

its your untouched spirit
that teaches
me to stay open and dreamy

&its your undying hope
that keeps
me from being a cynic
or a bitter bitch

its your love
that teaches me
to risk and be brave

&its you
i will fight for
no matter how dark and damp
things get

you.
you.
you.

i am stronger
all because
of
you
my
little loves.

he said
i think you are…
{in no particular order}
sweet
delicate
tough as nails

quirky

and much stronger than you think

&instead of telling him
all the reasons
why
these things
were not true

she simply said
thank you.