above gift left by jake in ireland,
who rang the doorbell 10 times at 7am on a sunday,
and when i failed to haul my ass out of bed
did not give up and shoved in through the mailbox slit in
the door, which is why it is a bit wrinkly.
never ever underestimate the power
of little people.
dear today,
you started off ok. i mean the first 10 minutes were awesome. that ginger tea kicked some serious ass. then i got triggered, had a melt down, and tried to unsuccessfully throw a large red yoga ball that looked way more ridiculous than violent because it just bounced off the wall and knocked over a jar of sharpie paint pens. so.not.bad.ass.
then i ate candy for lunch (sour patch kids) had mean conversations in my head where i am totally right (of course), and even considered writing mean words on a rock and placing them somewhere snarky.
oh yeah-and i don’t want to own anything, because blaming is much more dramitic and i can come off as the good guy. today it is the suns fault for being too hot and making me sweaty, the moons fault for being all wiggy, and all the mean people in the entire universe. yep, all of them. and yes, i am talking about you mister cutting me in line at subway. LADIES FIRST. i am a southern girl, here. please. have some manners, will you. you know i was there first.
i do not include myself in the meanie cluster, by the way.
i reject all meditation cards and self help advice for the next 6 hours. i am also rejecting the words authentic, look on the bright side, swoon, and journey. i am however embracing all cuss words and reality tv.
tomorrow, i maybe will think about acting like a grown-up, ok? just lay off me today. i am choosing to be a baby.
and while i am spilling all my deepest feelings here, i am also going to publically admit that i watched the season finale of the hills and cried when brody said goodbye to kristen. oh yeah and i also have inappropriate dreams about justin timberlake.
now please let me drink my grape crush and think of all the reasons to be cranky in peace. being peachy can be such a drag.
thats all.
have a great weekend everyone!
even charlie is appalled.
***********
dear social media,
i will get straight to the point:
you are not the boss of me.
you are not in charge of my destiny
and i do not have to believe everything you shove down my throat.
oh sure, i believed you at first.
you drew me in like honey sweetness and i drank it
until i was drunkenly swirling
on beautiful doll-like women displaying no apparent flaws-
not a single wrinkle or a gray hair in sight.
clothes hanging on them like plastic mannequins with
bedroom eyes that said,
this could be you, only better.
i let you seduce me.
to be fair, i wanted it too.
besides, it was all so innocent at first.
the brief, bright flashy messages worked
on me like a charm.
broken hearts are easy prey.
but just as fast as you fucked me,
you left me high and dry,
along with a string of unkept promises dangling
like forgotten laundry on a clothesline.
dazed and drugged
for my next fix i stumbled like a junkie:
a magic pill?
thicker hair?
a rounder ass and tighter tummy?
please don’t go, i whispered.
i can be beautiful. i can be perfect.
i just need more time.
i am no victim
and never was.
i willingly invested in your idea
even when every cell in my body was saying
NO, this is not you.
this is not what truth feels like.
your voice then got stronger, more agressive:
thinner+smoother+richer+babies+showers+weddings+endless-marketing=success
do it ALL at once!
do it fast and do it better!
YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL.
and lets not forget the women who actually accomplished your version
of it all and still feel they are lacking….
these everyday heros that should feel worshiped, not
judged.
shame on you.
fine, i will admit it, your fancy bells and whistles
DID present a strong case.
(and wipe that snarky grin off your face right now!)
the progress may be slow, and often quiet or unseen,
but there are quite a few of us that are on to you
and your little games.
oh, and we have way more power than
you could ever put in a bottle, a stupid movie,
or an advertisement for longer eyelash growth.
did you know the numbers of light seekers are growing every second?
they are questioning your tactics, speaking out, and creating positive
movement where needed?
in other words, literally kicking your ass?
for example, just now, some woman half way across the world looked at herself
in the mirror, noticed she had beautiful eyes for the first time in her life, and
then smiled at herself.
please, stop with excuses.
i know it is not your fault.
i drank the kool-aid and no one made me.
however, just because you exist and
try and tuck yourself into almost every nook and cranny i visit-does not mean i have to be friends with
you anymore.
more and more of us are choosing ourselves
over you whether you like it or not.
i may believe you sometimes,
but at least now i know what i am dealing with.
a player. a bully. a lonely kid.
you are not love.
love leaves you feeling full and open-
not critical, fat, depressed, and less than.
i am sure you understand this
on some level.
no hard feelings, ok?
we both knew this day would come..
love,
(insert your name here)
and mccabe xxx
ps if you agree, don’t waste your time commenting.
just turn this song up full volume and dance your cute little booty off.
“i know exactly who i am and
what i want to be……”
here is the deal:
i have no room to complain concerning weather. i live in southern california. however, and this is not a complaint but a mere fact-the entire month of june is usually gray. we call it june gloom. no one ever tells you about june gloom. as a result… since we are all so spoiled with sunshine, sea, and palm trees-gloominess becomes unacceptable and everyone gets cranky. especially me.
so i have been looking for color. i did some more art yesterday with friends and i felt my mood lift once again. as much as i am aware of this knowledge: art=a happy mermaid…i go through (sometimes) long phases of not doing it. and then wonder why my spirit is low.
ok-enough already. here are a few photos from yesterday. they be making me happy. and if you are feeling gray on the outside or on the inside i give you a little nudge to turn up the color, too.
as loud as you want.
amen.
sarah’s art journal page:
and mine…
sam’s.
take that gloomness of juneness!
but sometimes i forget to do the things that makes me happy.
like play with friends.
and make stuff.
so when i got an invitation to an art party….
i .said. yes.
the view…..
and now i feel really good.
the end.
witchy spell for getting out of a funk/rut/grumpy mood:
drop the ego.
you don’t need it.
you never really did.
make a list of things that make you happy.
in case you forgot.
are you creating?
are you singing”
are you dancing?
are you laughing?
are you connecting?
are you exploring?
look at the things that are not working
and contributing to your rut.
be gentle there.
think of a time in your life where you felt joyful.
what does that look like?
it can’t be too far from where you are now.
you are still you.
do something for someone else.
its not all about you.
(i mean, it IS, but isn’t it nice to get out of that sometimes?)
when you are focused on ONE bad thing,
it tends to put a thick black cloud over everything else.
things are not really black,
you just forgot about their color.
find that color.
make it your mission.
i don’t care if it is gumball machine or a hot pink
scarf wrapped around your head.
turn.up.the.color.
make a list of things that are blocking you.
know that these things can be resolved
with time, action, and faith.
throw yourself a pity party.
(just don’t stay forever.)
call your friends.
remember you are not in this alone
and no one is waiting for the new and improved you.
(accept maybe you)
forgive everybody.
ok, this is a biggie.
i am not there yet either.
but i can find good things in everyone that has
ever hurt me and hold onto that.
and pettiness seems to draw out the ugliest, most immature parts
of me. dude. it ain’t pretty.
consider projection when you feel sensitive.
when we are hyper focused on an issue it is really
common to transfer that onto others.
habits, patterns….these are hard things to break.
did you know it takes 90 days to break a pattern-
to reset the waves in your brain?
so hang in there.
we all have our shit.
no more comparing or dwelling in the past.
no more saying mean things to yourself.
i am pretty certain we are here to be free….
and i am also guessing that this joy is not reserved for
a few special ones.
the universe does not play favorites.
a good friend of mine asked me the other day, when i was feeling down and out-what is it going to take to love you as you are?
that would be the million dollar question. i am pretty sure the answers are not lose the 10 pounds i gained in europe or make more money. although, those things would make me happy. but not the kind of innerward happy i am looking for.
i want peace.
it is odd, because i am able to pick up on others beauty quite effortlessly. i am an artist, i see beauty in everything. i love the little details-like the way his voice gets louder when he is being goofy and that sweet scrunchy thing her nose does when she laughs. and i love the way his eyes change color from indigo to green for no apparent reason.
i tend to block my own joy.
i think it all comes back to gentleness. maybe i should treat my flaws and shame like a newborn baby: delicate and soft. protective. safe. cradled.
there is so much joy around me. my life in fact is dripping with it. all of our lives are, really. but when i feel overwhelmed by my own mistakes i start to feel like i am my mistakes, rather than my mistakes are a part me. not all of me. i am a lot of other stuff too.
i feel myself getting closer on some days-dare i even say THERE on certain occasions. but i yearn for this to be a state of mind. an awakening. just me. no matter what i am doing for anyone else, who i am dating or not dating, whatever weight i am…….i want to be ok with the magic and gentleness of me.
consistency seems to be the only answer i can come up with. day to day living with gratitude. taking small steps to the shit i am avoiding. leaving my ego out of it. catching and correcting myself when the gremlins creep in.
funny, for so long i dreamed up all these things to make me happy. many of them came true, but to my great surprise, that thread of loneliness still remained. which made me feel fucked up. like-hello??? why are you not enjoying this great life of yours?
i was missing me. and i am a girl who hates to miss out. time to stop this nonsense. how about you?
