(because this is how my brain works)

1.) what i inherited from my dad: an irish red hot temper and warm heart. quick to over-react and just as quick to forgive and move on.

2.) i eat the same food over and over until im so sick of it i can’t even stand it. this week its brown rice and beans with green chile. i’m on day 6.

3.) someone mentioned putt putt on facebook today and i had a flashback of being kicked out of one when i was 7 because i drove a gulfball into the magic castle not knowing my own strength. i was SO ASHAMED and wish some grown-up would have thought it was funny and told me it was okay. my cousins thought it was hilarious but still. fuck putt putt.

4.) i cuss a lot.

5.) i have no favorite color but turquoise and tangerine are right up there.

6.) i have commitment issues.

7.) i think most kids are way cooler than adults.

8.) i feel like elle woods in the real world work force or whatever you want to label it. i would totally scent my resume if i could figure out how to not stain the paper.

9.) dating is just as complicated as it was in the 4th grade.

10.) i don’t get the saying “she just wanted her cake and to eat it too.” if it was my cake, why in gods name would i not want to eat it?

11.) one of my favorite things about abq: people are so open and friendly! you can’t ask for more than that.

12.) inappropriate is my second favorite word.

13.) i have found that your joy will sometimes trigger others bitterness.

14.) regular dance parties keep me sane.

15.) i sort of miss landlines and long twirly phone cords.

16.) i love that people ask to come over to my cottage to do art.

17.) i think i am an over-cuddler.

18.) i miss the sea but love the mountains and purple sky here.

19.) if i was queen for the day i would insist no one get out of their pajamas and come over for jameson and chocolate chip pancakes.

20.) reality often bores me.

21.) i sometimes wonder what it would be like to be normal.

22.) if i was independently wealthy i would get on a plane and visit all my favorites.

23.) magic and kindness are the most important things. but i am learning, so is risk…

your turn!

tagged:

sarah
jen
leah
lori
tristan
tricia

its like this:

i want to tell you it
will all work out
and be ok in the end.

(it really will)

but the truth is,
it is probably not going to look anything
like you think it is going to look like.

he is not going to say the right thing.
they may not fight for you
in the way you think you deserve.

life is unfair
and messy.

fucked up even.

but there is a light.

and it is here,
in the unexpected:

the complete ridiculousness/joy of a child
explaining things.

the way his voice
slips down like a good red
oaky and smooth.

the man with no teeth opening
the door for you at the 7-11 at 2am.

no matter how much good you do
the world owes you no favors.

the magic,
yes i over-use that word
but only because it is the most
important thing….

the magic is what matters.
give it out freely.
give it to people who are sad and cranky.
give it to children in the form of sidewalk chalk
and macaroni necklaces.

dont be a cynic.

i know it makes no sense.
i offer no wisdom.

but the love….

i feel the love.
its all around,

and its all we have.

risk being optimsitic.
risk being you.

i dare you.

i never understood the mechanics
of the sky
or the moon

or why i thrive in the fog
and often hide from the sun.

i learned to swim in the ocean.

as the story goes, i was about one when my mom took me to the
neighborhood pool for the mommy and me swim class.
the teacher lined up the new mothers on the side of the pool and
instructed they chuck their babies in the water on the count of three.

we were gone by two.
that was my one and only swimming lesson.

my dad started taking me out to the sea daily after that.
the waves scared me.
i was not one of those fearless kids
who threw themselves into the water with wild abandon.

i was taught the dangers of the sea
early on.
i knew all about rip currents

and then there was
that summer that a body washed
up on shore-

i never saw anything but it was on the news and you
could see our cottage in the background.
the woman was on vacation from new jersey.
she had a husband
and two young daughters and they were all there when it happened.

that was the same summer that i was at a friends house
when his parents let me and the other kids go swimming
while all the grown-ups drank margaritas on the deck.

i wondered how long it would take
one of the adults to discover that a kid was missing
while i sat on the beach and counted heads the
whole time.

my relationship
with the sea
will always be complicated

and i don’t know what
it feels like to live away
from it for very long.

maybe i will find new wells,
new sources of life.

i do not know.

brave is just a silly little word.

i am small
and uncertain

curious and
fine,

…still very much looking
for any sign
of life.

above, fellow woodnymph natalie.
*******

it is when i am with you
that i find it impossible
to be cynical or snarly

it would be like
saying i don’t believe in faeries
in a room full of sprites…

i am a huge fan of interactive art.
this made my day.

dear friends,

this photo was taken a few weeks ago somewhere in the middle of arizona. it was here that i met a motorcycle gang from italy and ended up joining them for blizzards at the DQ where we talked about travel and living fully and rome and the proper way to make limoncello. (don’t rush it. be patient.) it may have been in that exact moment where i realized:

i love my life again.

let me back up. its been awhile since i have chatted here and if anyone is left reading this (bless your heart and thank you) you must wonder where the hell i went. well, i got in a bit of a rut. and when i get in a rutty rut the last thing i want to do is share or socialize or write or paint.

which is probably what led me straight to the artistic rut to begin with.

hey.
it happens to the best of us.

so what have i been up to these past silent months? i have done some terribly uncomfortable, ungraceful, and what i like to call hide under the covers with a bottle of whiskey till its all over soul-searching and came up with a few new truths:

-i was tired as fuck of trying to “make it” as an artist as my sole income.

-i needed a change of scenery. i needed a change of everything.

it seemed the more i tried to alter or talk myself out of these truths, the more unsettled my spirit became.

so i stayed sort of stuck.

and i started taking on more adventures. one of the places i started adventuring to was albuquerque, new mexico. i had an old friend there to visit. it was dusk when i rolled in and i was immediately smitten with this strange twinkling city and its indigo watercolor sky.

something about the desert maybe?
i can’t tell you what it was or is.

i began making these little trips back and forch across the desert. i met new, interesting people. i somehow landed at a magical little school and will soon have a steady paycheck again. (thank god) i danced in the rain. i made a heart shaped pizza at a party and began feeling inspired again.

there is nothing wrong with southern california. it has been an excellent 10 year run. i did things i never thought i could do and met people i love dearly. (that means you and you and you) i will still sell and make art and teach my own classes and continue to explore new creative terrain.

its like this: sometimes the heart wants something different and it is unexplainable. people with good intentions will try to talk you out of it and the world in general is not here to understand and accept your deepest desires. life is your very own art project. don’t be afraid to start from scratch.

telling you that i never get depressed or stuck is doing you a disservice. i don’t want to bring anyone down, but i don’t want to hide the struggle either because that is where the miracle usually happens.

a friend wrote to me today on this topic, “life is full of fights, xanax, and messy!”

now ain’t that the truth.
the messy and the light.

we need both.
we are both.

and fuck ya’ll-i am moving to new mexico!
more frequent posting to follow…

life sure has a funny way of working out,
huh?

all love,
mac xxx

no one really tells you this
but its called june gloom
here in southern california.

nevermind the other
11 months
of geological perfection

one becomes spoiled
in paradise

and the overcast sky
plays tricks on my heart.

i still get messages
from him

meet me on the hill
by the dunes

(top of the world i called it)

you were high on god knows what
and i was high
on being 19 and a dreamer.

we pinky promised
not to become cynics
and to do things in this
world that matter

&i am pretty sure
my poems
and your songs
are spinning randomly in the space
between the lighthouse
and my old cottage with funny
rocking chairs on the deck that i painted a different color
everytime my mood changed.

i look around here
for something to paint over-
the stool? (no, i have to sit on it to work today)
the cabinet in the bathroom? (no, i like the baby blue)
the front door? (no wait. i don’t own this cottage either)

the mundane
is my worst enemy

and i wish i could be
satisfied
with the ordinary
sometimes

instead of craving
crazy magic
in every moment
like some sort of addict

good lord

i am a pile
of peeled paint chips

a heap of contradictions
heavily flawed

and wildly hopeful.

i try to find
color
in the dark

entertainment
in the
ho-hum

grainy and unpredictable
are the seasons
of my days.

i don’t really believe in regrets
i believe in growth

but if i could go back,
i would have been softer around
the sharp edges of your heart

and not taken so much personally.
i would have held those anxious twisted pieces
of your spirit
more gently and not been so rough.

i also would have stayed in the art store
with dad a little longer instead of getting
impatient because he was overwhelmed by all
the supplies

and watched the expression on his face
more closely
when he proudly bought his first and only set of paints,

paints that are still in the box,
untouched and lonely.

if i could go back i would stop
cutting people off at the limbs
leaving a bloody mess
to avoid the hurt
to avoid getting too close…

these are the things i think
when i begin to put myself
back together again,

when i want to make myself new.

i am a lucky girl.
i wake up to the sound of the sea
and fall asleep to the funny snore of
my one eyed cat jack.

i have friends who make me mix tapes
and bring gifts like yellow daisies and
little lavender cupcakes with candy glitter
and leave sweet voicemails.

i have art supplies to create with
and people to come over and create with me
with peppermint tea and nag champa.

i have a wild imagintion
to write with

and a wicked sense of humor
reserved for those who love me best.

but still i struggle,
as we all do.

i care less and less everyday
about what people “do” or who they know
or how much money they make.

i want real connection
not flat text messages
in place of a real person.

i want the whole story
and to be a better listener.

i don’t want games-
i want compassion.

i don’t want to pretend to not care.
i just want to be myself.

there are times when this concept
seems lost in all the broken
relationships and emails instead of letters…

i feel like i can’t keep up
i feel like i let people down

i must change my life
as my friend anne says.

and then when i am
about to give up altogether
some kind of magic finds
its way to me and i am changed,

and i believe again.
just like that.

until of course i don’t.

then i start again.

things my dad taught me :
(in no particular order)

-sorry sweetheart but no, i will not send you to another school. you will just drop your lunch there, too. (in response to my plea of needing a new school after i dropped my entire lunch on pizza day in 4th grade. moral of the story: you will embarrass yourself where ever you go. no need to be dramatic.)

-don’t be an asshole.

-in business and in life: two things. remember peoples names, and remember what is important to them.

-be a good listener. don’t think about what you are going to say while someone else is talking. LISTEN. learn. observe. shut up already.

-be postive. and again. don’t be an asshole.

-it does not matter where you went to school or who you know or what you did. people are going to remember the essence of YOU. once you are in the door you are good. just be you.

-if someone bullies you, punch them back. (this landed me in my one and only stint in the principals office. i made my dad proud while everyone else was mortified. thanks dad!)

-go explore. life is short.

-don’t ask your mother for favors first thing in the morning.

-it does not matter what you major in. just finish, and then go do what you want.

-if you love someone, tell them. risk rejection.

-don’t compare yourself to others. that will make you feel like crap.

-respect nature and children and good things. and coloring on a tree with magic markers is BAD. (oops)

-you don’t need a pool. the ocean is on your backyard.

-men are stupid. you can find a good man when you are about 25 or 26…..

-make the best out of the worst situations. use your imagination. the world can be mean but you don’t have to be.

-don’t trust a man who calls you sweetheart right off the bat.

-don’t date a man who does not walk you to the door to make sure you get home ok.

-smile. no one wants to see your sourpuss face.

-fall in love, again and again.

-be honest.

i miss you everyday, dad. but i know you are right here with me.
lots of love….

your mac/dunebird

above, the lovely lori

********

no matter

how bad
how sad
how shameful

how big
how mean
how not fair

how disappointing
how tragic
how fucked up

how stupid
how careless
how angry

how broke
how uninspired
how heartbroken

how messy
how tangled
how awful

how addicted
how restlessless
how lost

how incredibly flawed
and unworthy
you may sometimes feel….

i still
believe

it
is
all
necessary

and you my friend
are headed,
without a doubt,

for greatness.