humbled.

(above, partners in crime eva and antonia)

you know, i am discovering more and more that one of the biggest gifts you can receive is to be painfully humbled. i can’t believe i just admitted that because when it is happening i am the first to blame the world, the church, and my unfortunate head of hair for all the unfavorable shenanigans i get myself into.

by the way, when i say humbled, i mean HUMBLED. i mean don’t have a job for more than 4 months and go through a self destructive phase while choosing not to do art, write, or anything else that could possibly get you in a better place. i mean push good people away and decide to only date emotionally unavailable people. i mean go on an all carb diet then compare your body to women who work out 3 hours a day.

everyone has been there and the hardest part is admitting that not only did you get yourself in there- but you refuse to get yourself out. that is until you just have had ENOUGH. you are DONE.

and minutes later, you find yourself smiling at a tiny yellow daisy growing in a sidewalk crack. a flower that has no reason to thrive, and yet blooms anyway.

a good friend told me the other day that her yoga teacher said the only way to true enlightenment is letting go of all blame and being humbled.

it is simple,
and it is hard as HELL.

but there will be a day, a nothing special kind of day-where you are struck with a kaleidscope of random goodness, and a swell of happy will surprise you.

it will be a different kind of happy than a flirty text or finally fitting back
into your skinny jeans.

it will be a happy that contains demons and muck,
blood and sweat.
shame and destruction.

a happy that you walked through fire
to see.

fleeting.
yet potent.

and in that burst of happy you see all the love that surrouds you and the peeps who have stood by you thick and thin, even when you were being a total asshole. and you will start to get that maybe you deserve this goodness. you will begin taking steps to stop sabataging.

so you-
you who is lingering in the blackest of black holes,
feeling dark and dank.
you who cannot remember
the light
and want to punch peppy people in the face….

i am routing for you.
i am carrying a yellow daisy
with your name on it.

14 comments on “humbled.

  1. dear maccabe it’s good to hear from you where ever you are.I sent you a couple of email to gmail asking about how are you?!Do you know that I’ve done your 3 classes with santiago and now that alice is almost 4 I would love to get back and watch againd to do them with alice. But for some reason I didn’t do properly the download of the videos and can’t access them anymore…
    Is there any place I can go to watch them again?
    Miss you and your warriors!!
    Huge hug
    Mónica

  2. First – THANK YOU for this post. I needed to hear it. I’ve missed your posts and glad to see this one. Sending warm thoughts your way from one painfully humbled person to another…

  3. (this is a real comment, yikes those spamhounds really found you this time)
    i really loved this post/poem! i have definitely been there (and when i say i have definitely been there, i mean a big chunk of my adult life has been spent there). it feels so good to get out though, doesn’t it? i really love your posts, i do hope you keep this blog active. i always find it such a pleasure to read.
    glad to hear you are out of your rut.
    lucy

  4. thank you mccabe.
    i appreciate that you not only wrote when you were up and moving strong and forward, but also when you are down and stuck. that is so important. refreshing to hear. necessary.
    thank you.

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