begin again and again.

i don’t really believe in regrets
i believe in growth

but if i could go back,
i would have been softer around
the sharp edges of your heart

and not taken so much personally.
i would have held those anxious twisted pieces
of your spirit
more gently and not been so rough.

i also would have stayed in the art store
with dad a little longer instead of getting
impatient because he was overwhelmed by all
the supplies

and watched the expression on his face
more closely
when he proudly bought his first and only set of paints,

paints that are still in the box,
untouched and lonely.

if i could go back i would stop
cutting people off at the limbs
leaving a bloody mess
to avoid the hurt
to avoid getting too close…

these are the things i think
when i begin to put myself
back together again,

when i want to make myself new.

i am a lucky girl.
i wake up to the sound of the sea
and fall asleep to the funny snore of
my one eyed cat jack.

i have friends who make me mix tapes
and bring gifts like yellow daisies and
little lavender cupcakes with candy glitter
and leave sweet voicemails.

i have art supplies to create with
and people to come over and create with me
with peppermint tea and nag champa.

i have a wild imagintion
to write with

and a wicked sense of humor
reserved for those who love me best.

but still i struggle,
as we all do.

i care less and less everyday
about what people “do” or who they know
or how much money they make.

i want real connection
not flat text messages
in place of a real person.

i want the whole story
and to be a better listener.

i don’t want games-
i want compassion.

i don’t want to pretend to not care.
i just want to be myself.

there are times when this concept
seems lost in all the broken
relationships and emails instead of letters…

i feel like i can’t keep up
i feel like i let people down

i must change my life
as my friend anne says.

and then when i am
about to give up altogether
some kind of magic finds
its way to me and i am changed,

and i believe again.
just like that.

until of course i don’t.

then i start again.

25 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Your writing has a special way of talking to me. Thanks for this wisdom. I feel many of the things you posted in this entry, in my own heart.

mmmm…I love reading your words. They could be from me…about my own self if I wasn’t so “stuck” and unable to just let the words flow right now. I’m working on that But for now I am so thankful for you xo

I must have read this at least 10 times in the last month and still haven’t been able to articulate a sensible comment. There’s just so much in it that’s real and true and beautiful, you know?
xo

This is beautiful. And I wish my comment was below a double post from TR jeans, but….so it goes. You are amazing. I read your blog in LA and I continue to read it now when I am above the arctic circle….hoping you are well. Hoping you post more soon. xoxo.

That should be: wish my comment WASN’T below a double post from TR jeans…

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