repression/depression/obsession

repression has been a word on my mind lately.

i seem to hear depression used much more freely and consistently. why is that? is there a pill for repression? because almost everyone i know is on something for depression. (myself included)

what is going on?
seriously.

my friend christoph is in russia for the summer and he said the girls wear tight shirts and extremely short skirts. he thinks this is perhaps their way of rebelling against the strict rules of their society. it totally makes sense to me. i get it. you have to put it all SOMEWHERE.

are we perhaps repressed here, too? why do girls whore themselves out on halloween? last time i checked, alice in wonderland was not a hussy. but i get it-it is the one time of year where it is (oddly) socially acceptable to experiment with your sexuality through clothing.

its not just about clothes, obviously, but that is an easy topic to discuss. i remember being little and wanting to wear red rain boots over a creme slip and jeans and being told “it was inappropriate.” now, i grew up in the south and was raised my miss manners, so appropriate was a word used often in our household. don’t stick out. don’t wear white after labor day weekend. and don’t-by any means-wear anything that god forbid is going to attract ATTENTION to yourself. blend. be normal. don’t shake things up.

i wonder how many of us are really just REPRESSED not depressed.

i look at the little girls i teach. they don’t fuss. they don’t suck in or compare their body to someone elses. (i hope they can stay that way forever…) more is better. pile on the glitter. decorate your face and arms with henna tattoos and rhinestones. wear wings because it is tuesday.

remember dress up?

when did we stop playing?
i want to dress up in some way every damn day.

if i don’t play, if i don’t dance, if i don’t get my hands covered in paint, i become sad. and sadness breeds more sadness.

i never have thought of myself as sexy. or even beautiful. i get the cute card and am ok with that. but maybe i should be looking at it differently. sexy seems to be this ONE speed that does not jive with me. does sexy need to be over the top? you see photos of women in magazines (dirty ones too) and so many of them-while conventionally pretty, seem to have a flat beauty. allison calls it dead sexy. like their soul have been ripped out and all that is remaining are vacant eyes and photoshopped breasts.

i want to be free. i want to experiment. but i want to do it on my own terms. i don’t want to be someone elses version of beauty. beauty should radiate. not be put in a box on a shelf labeled: sexy, cute, hot, pretty-in-her-own way, etc etc etc.

i am curious about your thoughts on this.

where do YOU feel repressed?

and can you break out of that mold…..

(shirt is by wildfox)

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i wore a wig friday nite
2 a benefit i was hosting
& put the blonde
over my long red & black streaked hair
thennn braided it n 2 braids
so the blonde wig was twisted with my hair

some days i go allll out
some days jeans & a T r enough
for me
i do what i feel
and yes some days that does involve lying low bc i dont want any more attention
than i normally get
and i usually always get attention

anyhoo
i lovelovelove
the makeloveinateepee shirt
especially the bull uPon it
is that u
could u find another
to mail 2 me???
ill pay u of course

i miss u and wish 2 re.connect if uve the time
tell u about margos glitterworld – 1st grade- swimming- her art.work
& show u some silly videos ive been a part of
hey just go here
http://www.11photographs.com/blog/
and read and click on links
within blue period and glittergirls
yee.haw
andddd i reallyd love 2 hear about ur world as of late

xxoo
n.

ps where do i feel repressed?
the ? i didnt answer
wellll
i usually try 2 maintain that ivejustbeenonvacation feeling of freedom
but there are times when i buy n2 the limited.ness around me
or feel small from some silly somethingornothing within-
there i times i can break it off
& shake it off
e x p l o d e
yet others when i must sit still with my quiet.er self and just be that me
(if this makes any sense whatsoever)

oooh you MUST tell me where you got that tshirt! i met my husband here in asheville and we spent our first night together in a teepee out in his front yard!!!

here’s to setting our spirits free!

jeez. where to start??? hell to the yes i/we feel/are repressed. I’m almost 38 and it has taken me this long to finally break free and stop caring but yet the more i break free of what i am “supposed” to be, the more i do for others as i see so clearly the many, many injustices of the world. the older i get, the more knowledge i attain, the more i realize i know so very little after all.

i vow to work on continuing to open my mind and hear and to be vulnerable but i also realize it will take me the rest of my life to work on this and even then i will have moments of stupidity and judgement that i will kick myself for.

In my recent reading I’ve come across this – repression – as a reason for so much emotional eating too (whether that be comfort eating, or another disorder). That it is just a way of fighting back the unnatural regime we live under. Fitting in and smiling and doing what’s expected, we have to find a release somewhere. I think you are spot on.
I’ve been reading Derrick Jensen lately, and after a few weeks of trying to be good (yeah, I know) I finally discovered how much I value what freedom I do have, and I’m just concentrating on that right now. Doing as much of my own thing as I can slip in. People at work may think I’ve gone a little crazy, but they’re still speaking to me
xo

Your post makes my mind scream “patriarchy! patriarchy! patriarchy!” and you are right exactly about “DEAD SEXY” iblamethepatriarcy.com is another blog I read and it opened my eyes to so much…

In the very flat, made-to-SELL, heteronormative world of popular culture there is a super narrow definition of what it means for a woman to be sexy. Some women really do fit into that category, and some even feel comfortable there (though many probably often don’t), and that’s fine. But for those of us who don’t fit, or only partly fit, or don’t WANT to fit, it’s important to remember that the ideal isn’t a truth. It’s manufactured. It’s effects are real, it’s power is real, but it’s not TRUE. We can accept different ideas of what sexy is, ideas that can be as expressive or different as we want, or not, whatever is comfortable, and we can surround ourselves with people who support that. I think that above all we always need to support each other as women, and have love for one another. We live in a culture that is set up for us to feel competitive and jealous and resentful towards one another. If we let them, those feelings will rot us inside. We need to fight that and just support and have love for each other – for all of the women who don’t fit the ideal, and for those who do as well. Just love.

Additionally, just because I think about this so much – I honestly believe that when it comes to repression, straight men have it pretty bad. It hurts me to witness how emotionally repressed so many straight men are, and the insane pressure they face to stay that way. It is so damaging, and the effects are often so violent and destructive. I’m so happy to see a new generation of parents around me that are raising their boys differently.

McCabe – I think it is so brilliant who you have become. Reading even just a little about your past, I never would have imagined that this bright, vibrant, creative, energized, expressive, beautiful, SEXY woman came from a strict, repressive background. You should be so proud of yourself!!! You are amazing!

P.S. thanks for the link <3

P.P.S sorry this was so long…as I said in the workshop, brevity is not my strong point! haha

i grew up on an Indian reservation, where sadly repression, obsession and depression are an art form… it’s so normal that people don’t even know there is anything different! I’m so blessed that i moved away from it and realized that “the norm” i was living didn’t fit me and so began a journey of introspection and healing… that was ten years ago. Do i still fell repressed, depressed, etc. Yeah, sometimes but i get better and better at choosing my actions rather than simply reacting as i did before. I’m an emotional man, that caused me so much grief when i was younger… now i don’t care what people think if i cry or sing or laugh or get angry… if they can’t accept me as i am then i politely withdraw from them and carry-on. Freedom for me is loving myself so that i may love those around me… i’m learning and living and loving it. Every person i meet is so unique in so many ways and to me that is sexy and so much more… the only time i feel repressed is when i allow it… so cheers to the dis-comfort of standing up and standing out for what we are, people who are FREE!

ps- where the goldfish swim
in the setting sun
in a garden of mystery
where seekers find their own way
i shall be there soon
with a wish in my heart
and a smile on my face
i hope that i may share
your grace in that most
special place
in two days time

Do I express my sexuality through the way I dress and carry myself? Not really. Do I think it’s important that I do so? Not really. I wish I felt more free to express my creativity and life force in the way I dress and carry myself and I guess my sexuality is part of that, but I feel like baring alot of skin (or whatever else represents “sex appeal” these days) is something I would only do to attract or entice men and I’m not about that, so I guess I don’t see the point in being “sexy” in the purest sense of the word. That’s a sort of repression I guess, but I don’t think suddenly turning up my sex appeal would make me happier (though it would surely please my husband).

That said – I’m DEFINITELY repressed in the way I dress and carry myself overall. Like you, McCabe, I grew up in the south and have a pretty fundamental set of core values. And, even though I’ve had some success with breaking away from that sort of repression, it’s hard to take that leap of faith with my appearance, you know? Where I show up in WHATEVER makes me feel good and trust that nobody will laugh at me or send me to my room?

The most daring I’ve been with my appearance lately is painting my toes purple (my mother would be horrified), but it’s a start and, you know what, I just love looking down and seeing those purple toes, truly makes me happy – so, I think you may be onto something here!!!

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