what is it gonna take...

a good friend of mine asked me the other day, when i was feeling down and out-what is it going to take to love you as you are?

that would be the million dollar question. i am pretty sure the answers are not lose the 10 pounds i gained in europe or make more money. although, those things would make me happy. but not the kind of innerward happy i am looking for.

i want peace.

it is odd, because i am able to pick up on others beauty quite effortlessly. i am an artist, i see beauty in everything. i love the little details-like the way his voice gets louder when he is being goofy and that sweet scrunchy thing her nose does when she laughs. and i love the way his eyes change color from indigo to green for no apparent reason.

i tend to block my own joy.

i think it all comes back to gentleness. maybe i should treat my flaws and shame like a newborn baby: delicate and soft. protective. safe. cradled.

there is so much joy around me. my life in fact is dripping with it. all of our lives are, really. but when i feel overwhelmed by my own mistakes i start to feel like i am my mistakes, rather than my mistakes are a part me. not all of me. i am a lot of other stuff too.

i feel myself getting closer on some days-dare i even say THERE on certain occasions. but i yearn for this to be a state of mind. an awakening. just me. no matter what i am doing for anyone else, who i am dating or not dating, whatever weight i am…….i want to be ok with the magic and gentleness of me.

consistency seems to be the only answer i can come up with. day to day living with gratitude. taking small steps to the shit i am avoiding. leaving my ego out of it. catching and correcting myself when the gremlins creep in.

funny, for so long i dreamed up all these things to make me happy. many of them came true, but to my great surprise, that thread of loneliness still remained. which made me feel fucked up. like-hello??? why are you not enjoying this great life of yours?

i was missing me. and i am a girl who hates to miss out. time to stop this nonsense. how about you?

20 Comments so far

I hear you. You described perfectly what I go through too. I think that a lot comes from being programmed to care too much what other people think of us. The thing that is crazy about that is when we get together and compare notes we see that we are all feeling the same way…then who’s approval are we seeking? I’m tired of it too…let’s put that heavy load down and skip on down the road

I’m in! Nonsense is out and the adventure is on! How about you?
love
eric

ah…. yes, you take the words right out of my mouth…compassion, tenderness, and willingness to see beauty: just a few things we each owe ourselves!

If you’re always comparing yourself to some standard (where did that fucking thing come from, anyway!!!!) you will always be worse than someone and better than someone. I think you are getting it…we just need to be! Love you!

(((((hugs)))))

it’s so easy to live in our heads and and even easier to get boggled by it.

just remember to make the best out of it. no matter what. life is way to short.

i try and know how difficult it is. sometimes i need a reminder myself! i guess that’s why i somehow found the time to read your blog today! it was my reminder to be kind and gentle to me!

take care… of you

I’m exactly the same. I think peace and acceptance may come when I finally realise at a heart level, not just an intellectual level, that these doubts and insecurities are part of being human. The girl next door and the guy down the road have them too. I agree that gentleness is a way to peace.

I know….next time either of us are in a pre-loved secondhand shop, if we see a gorgeous but chipped dinner plate we could buy it and place it where it will remind us that, flaws ‘n all, we are still gorgeous and admirable!

yup. I totally agree. great comments too! thanks Claire, when I’ll see that plate I’ll think of you

Have you ever heard of Brene Brown? Reading through your post reminded me of her thoughts on guilt and shame…where guilt is when you make mistakes or behavior that you do, and shame is where you actually think that IS you, who you ARe. She has a lot of wonderful insight into why we block ourselves. Check out her blog at http://www.ordinarycourage.com/…might help. be gentle with yourself, we are all figuring it out…and taking the time to even think about these things is leaps and bounds in the right direction!

Oops that blog is:

http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

I think it is an unfortunate reality of this world that we are taught that the pursuit and accomplishment of certain outward experiences, things, etc. are what will give us the deepest sense of wholeness and contentment. But the truth is that this can only come from within. I find that journey of self-acceptance, grace, etc. to be a journey that shifts and evolves moment by moment, and it is how we respond to each of those moments that determines whether we move close or farther away from our selves. I hope you choose to respond to whatever you are faced with by being kind to yourself. You give so much light and beauty to this world – you deserve the same, dear one.

as usual I can totally relate. Laura’s comment, wondering “who’s approval are we seeking”……i know for myself it’s my own approval i seek. just have no idea why i’m so hard on myself compared to how accepting, gentle and caring i am with everyone else. i’m on a mission to find the “me” that I’ve been missing….

try to find that beautiful little girl you abandoned at some point of your childhood, trying to adjust to the world. embrace her. that’s what i’m trying to do. she is wise and bursting with joy. dig her out. that’s how i say goodbye my old, complex, immense sadness (well, not that i have entirely succeeded, but i won’t give up:)
thank you soooo much for this post.

Been thinking much lately of how good it feels to trust myself.

You are on your way. ?

? = heart

sometimes I visit your site because I know that you are always so uplifting and kind to your readers…when I need that in my life I know where to come….here.

thank you

I love how in the second picture you look like a mermaid. Did you do this on purpose.

I love it.

It’s amazing how many times you post the words that are whispering in my heart.
thank you for articulating what I cannot yet find the words to say out loud.

how right you are, love. i just did a blog post on a similar topic ~ if you care to read: http://mypeacetree.blogspot.com/2010/06/healing-with-love.html

i want peace too. i think it is something our souls need as we grow older.

it almost feels like i wrote this. it is so much harder to love ourselves, see the beauty in ourselves. i’m not sure why. the universe doesn’t play favorites because we ARE the universe. everything we do makes the universe what it is. (it’s all about perspective). <3

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