what keeps me up at night

lets see…
i am supposed to know what to do now.
i am supposed to be past this/past that.
i am supposed to have a family by now.
i am supposed to know if i want a family or not.
i am supposed to have it all figured out.
i am supposed to start dressing like a grown-up and
stop shopping in the junior section already.
i am supposed to want a baby.
i am supposed to to be more like other people i know.
i am supposed to have my own house.
i am supposed to return phone calls and emails promptly.
i am supposed to know how to properly style my own hair.
the list goes on,
i will spare you the drama.
she asks me,
ok, what are the things you do know?
i know i love my long stretches of quiet.
i know i feel my best when i am teaching or laughing.
i know i cherish my friends like precious jewels.
and i know who i am,
and what i am here to do.
why can’t that be enough
she wants to know-
why?
because i don’t know where.
the where i am not clear on….
oh but the where is only an external
force and will not bring you happiness.
you are going to be with yourself
where ever you go.
the where is now irrelevant.
she had a point.


13 Comments so far
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LOVE this!
By Annie Pazoo on 11.28.09 12:50 pm
my list could on forever as to what keeps me awake and even when I am awake the list could go on, but it’s good to know what you are sure of too.
Bigs hugs and smiles~ Jill from N.h.
nalettejm@yahoo.com
By Jill Nalette on 11.28.09 4:31 pm
wow. that is wisdom right there. both in what she said and in what you said you know about yourself.
i love long stretches of quiet, too. i, too, do not know the where. that’s why her words bring me comfort.
By Christianne on 11.28.09 7:58 pm
Once again, exactly what I need to read. All those “supposed to”s are poking me at night, too. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us.
By Jolie on 11.28.09 9:16 pm
summed up perfectly.
By gina on 11.29.09 3:30 am
that said … Where should be in italy =D
By gina on 11.29.09 3:32 am
But why are you supposed to know or do all of those things? You have the stuff that matters figured out, the rest doesn’t matter.
By Melissa on 11.29.09 10:09 am
It’s ok not to know.
One of the greatest things you have going for you McCabe is your intuition. I can sense from your writing and sharing that you have a great ability to sense where you are at, and to instinctively know what it is you need at any given point, wheterh you need something to lift you up, or something to soothe you. And that is SO important. I think you’re great even if you worry about where you should be. Maybe where you’re at right now is just fine.
By Claire on 11.29.09 11:19 am
I love the post about embracing the suck.
It’s hard, this life. I’ve followed you and your circle of very creative and positive friends who struggle so and are so very good at putting that positive spin, on the suck. Sometimes i want to roll my eyes and I attribute wealth, beauty and the luck of location on the ability to wax peace love and understanding. Fact is that no matter the syntex, no matter the ability to spin, life is not easy, it’s full of suck, joy, suck and life saving snipets of joy. We learn. lIke you, I find refuge in teaching, in creative outlets…like you I struggle to accept myself as is, to let myself let go…
eriod. Later we will be there. We do the best we can.
I love the idea that maybe we are just fine where we are. Fact is that we are where we are.
and that is fine for now. Later we will be there, and that is that. We embrace the suck because it’s the only option if we are to grow.
And…I think you totally rock the world sideways. I’ve been inspired by you over and over again for several years now.
God Bless us everyone.
By lu on 12.01.09 8:27 pm
yep. this post just solved my issue this week on where to relocate. thanks for that
By celisa on 12.02.09 5:15 pm
superhero andrea said it in a post once that i kept to remind me…here it is…
“You are exactly where you need to be.
You are not missing out, falling behind, doing it wrong,
not trying hard enough.
You are doing more than enough.
Whatever opinions you have about it,
however imperfect
This is yours.
Where you are right now.
Sitting here surfing the internet even.
Is perfect.”
the baby thing is keeping me up at night too…love you mccabe. me.
By jessica on 12.08.09 12:44 pm
Love the new updates
By beats studio on 11.15.11 6:50 pm
I have truely enjoyed getting to know you and I pray for you! I hope you get feeling better!
By Cheap Christian Louboutin on 11.15.11 6:57 pm
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