DancingMermaid » in between

tink2

above: tink, my most favorite fairy

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i am in between

and i don’t mean just in between houses
and in between jobs and in between plans

i mean in between who i am now
and the girl i used to be
who seem like two different people these days

there was nothing wrong with the old girl
but there were things that were not working

those things, ah those pesky things-
facing them is work, ugh at times it was so exhausting
being myself that i thought it would be much easier
to be someone who did not feel things so deeply

they say anxiety and depression stem from an imbalance~
when your actions are not aligned with your core values
this causes guilt, shame, anger, and a lot of other gloomy emotions

one thing i have noticed that i am still challenged with is
avoidance
avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable

another part of the avoidance is not really knowing
what to do in this new space i am in
where before reacting (instead of responding)
and engaging in drama (instead of getting to the root of it)
was my formula for handling stressful situations

the maintenance of change is the most tricky part
because it is quiet and rather boring at times
and the temptation to shake things up is always
simmering at the surface of my being

i have found that admitting i avoid,
admitting that sometimes i don’t know what to do,
admitting that i have 100 times more questions than
answers and
admitting that i just don’t know a lot of things right
now

is a comfort
because there is no struggle in surrender
only truth

7 Comments so far

I can so relate to everything you said… seems to be universal these days. This thought came to me while engaged in the throes of doubt and avoidance and change… simply put “Change is a universal constant, we either flow with it or rage against it… either way we will experience it”
You are not alone my dear sweet badass mermaid…

eric

Depression can also be a very large word with a lot of connotations..
Depression..in my book..is simply part of the human condition. I don’t believe there is a soul amongst us who does not experience it at times.
Depression can mean a small indentation in an otherwise smooth surface…
To me that’s all it is, just a little blip in the path of life, nothing to have a brewhaha about or to be afraid of. Just let it play itself out. Like when you squeeze a water bottle and it takes a while for the indentation to pop out again, but it does it quite naturally. Depression (in my view) is nothing to get so, so heavy about and to grapple with trying to find a way out. It has its own plan and it will pass if you let it exist in the first place and don’t fight it. Let it be, honour it and go with it a bit and you will hear messages that tell you where to go next and what you want to be doing, what your heart and mind and physicality need.
All our pretty flowers and trees come from a dark place and move towards to sun and the light and the warmth and the company of other living things. All living things come from a dark place and move towards light. This fight to survive darkness is in us, I believe and I take issue with the amount of stigma that is attatched to it and the pressure there seems to be to do something radical about it. It comes and it goes.
Big Love x

Ah, I am in the same boat as you are, in between who I used to be and who I will become. I recently decided to stop being paralyzed by fear and DO something. Good luck to you in this new chapter of your life. It will be good. hugs from Hundewanderer.

mccabe & hundwanderer – me TOO.

& lynd, i agree on principal…depression is part of the human condition, and the struggle for the light is what bring life to so much beauty…but sometimes those indentations are deep. too deep to navigate alone, too deep to let be because you have a job and people depending on you so you have to fight it…to get out of bed, get dressed, get on a conference call, feed the animals, the kids, the spouse, perhaps take medication too. those times when i’ve had the luxury of letting it be – i do seem to navigate some path out of the darkness more smoothly. but it is an enormous luxury…i am thankful for the luxury, in the same way that i am thankful for the darkness, and the struggle.
(and the venue to talk about it all…)

here’s to the badass navigators of the soul! : )

Oh…I just adore you. I feel like you are speaking for me, tonight. In so many ways. Thank you thank you.

how helpful this post was and so relateable. thank you for sharing this.
i know exactly what you and Hundewanderer are saying…i feel that is right where i am at this time in my life too.
you are SUCH an inspiration!

Just sending love ~

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