DancingMermaid » balance, what balance?

balance, what balance?

my reiki master/mentor told me years ago that the goal was not be perfectly “balanced” but whole. whole.Â i really like that word. meaning if you are going to be angry, than be angry. if you are feeling joy, enjoy that feeling. savor it without downplaying it.Â i think she meant the key to being whole is staying present.

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staying present. it sounds so easy and yet it is still an effort and not second nature. sometimes it is easy-like when i am happy and centered, i have no trouble being around someone who may not be. but when i am off, beat down, tired, cranky, whatever-it is challenging not to give in, be a people pleaser, soak it all in and become even more drained.
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and then beat myself up for knowing better. ugh.
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lately i have caught myself making lists of things that i am doing wrong. not writing personal posts anymore? wrong. no custom rocks? wrong. eating take-out again for dinner because i can’t get my butt to the market? wrong. wrong. and these are the little things. there are much bigger shame issues at hand that i am in process of healing.

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i write about this because i am pretty sure this is a universal issue, especially with so many like-minded readers who visit here. you know who you are. peppy girls! problem solvers! saying yes quickly and giving 120%. giving giving giving.
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why do we do this? well i can tell you why i do it. because there is some deep belief rooted in my spirit that is still whispering, even after all these years, “because you are not enough.”

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which, of course, is utter bullshit.

you are enough. you are! i made these “enough” rocks for a dear friend of mind who also struggles with this issue. a friend who is so beautifully gentle, so full of life and love, so ready to give her heart and full attention at the drop of a hat if you need it.

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we find each other, don’t we? must be a kindred thing.

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i share this with you because i am learning very slowly, and often not very gracefully, that i am indeed enough and this belief i have is just that, a belief.Â an untruth. something that someone or something told me long ago that i chose to believe.

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now i choose differently. or at least i try.

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i feel messy at it. conflicted. i set a boundary-i do-i do it…but then i have to fight off the guilt/shame/anger that is soon to follow with a big fat stick. because this does not feel natural yet. even when i sound confident and strong, i am not sure people get just how hard it is for me to speak up.

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okay-tools. there are things that help. like the magic for one.

my sweet little class last week made a bucket full of painted heart rocks and left it outside our cottage. all weekend long we heard through our windows, “look, free rocks! they are so pretty.” justin said he saw a young business looking dude stop and look at the rocks while we was talking on his cell. he looked, picked one up, put it in his pocket, and continued his professional conversation as he walked down the street.
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giving in this way makes me happy. no strings giving.
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another thing that helps is my quiet time. when i was little, we spent every summer on a tiny island on the coast of north carolina. my dad came on weekends, but it was mostly our mom and the kids all summer long. we went to the beach everyday and often went to the lagoon behind our house in the late afternoon. however, after our morning beach routine and lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and red kool-aid, we would have quite time. for one hour, everyone went to their room and could read, draw, whatever. the only rule was that you had to be alone and you had to be QUIET. i loved it. on the edge of the bed i would pile up all my library books, drawing pad, and black ball point pen. for one hour, i got to make rows of paper dolls and read my special books. heaven.

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i have been trying to incorporate that same energy into my life now. after i teach camp each day, i am pretty drained. fried. it is not so much the kids as much as i am having to be “on” for hours on end. so, my new routine is putting on a swimsuit, grabbing a towel and a book, and walking down to the beach for a swim. when i get home i pile all my favorite art supplies on a tray, get in bed, and do a page in my art journal while delilah snores and does that cute little stretchy thing.

at least that is what i did today. it felt good.
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so yeah, balance. there is the me i think i should be in my head and me that actually is. the me that has a clean house, healthy food in the frigde…the me that gets up early every morning to hike before teaching and mediates with a candle before heading down the 5. the me that returns every phone call within a day and has enough energy to do social stuff with non-frizzy hair and cute outfits. the me that keeps going. always positive and empowered. never short or cross with my beautiful boy. always sexy and ready to rumble.

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and there is the me now. the me that is kinda out of shape but uses her body to give wide hugs. the me that is lucky if a phone call is returned within a week. the me that giggles with little girls and loves to teach others to be creative. the me that could only stand there while he tenderly washed me, washed away all the stress of the day. without asking anything in return. the me that allowed that.
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the whole me, that is who i want to be.

that is what helps the most.
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i would love to hear your stories and experiences. how do you fill yourself back up? what smallÂ steps are you taking (or thinking about taking) to be gentle with yourself?

35 Comments so far
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Oh sweetheart, you are so much more than “enough”. you are amazing.

Wowzers. You are dealing with exactly (or nearly) what I am dealing with. I loved your enough rocks. I need some rocks to the head with that message, sometimes.

I’ve been gosh… working on this. Being present and whole. Mothering myself the way I might mother my kids. I can’t even begin to start talking about it here in this little space. It’s what I’ve been working on in my blog for what seems like years.

It is The Journey, I think.

I love both of those rock prints. Is there a way to order them?
I am need to let this post soak in over night.

I had a weird thougth tonight. After a glass of wine (which I cannot drink at all!) I felt different…and out of nowhere I asked whoever was listening…”why can we not always feel like this?”

like what? someone ask…

“like your mind is not thinking all the time…life is just how it is!”

and then I read your beautiful honest post…

and I still have to go with that glass of wine for me tonight! cause it is just too hard to really think…I need to just stay in this moment…

heehee…just teasing…

to fill me up… I read! books that I had for years…

I swing in my hammock…and look at the sky!

a walk along the beach…magical!

and you…who always remind me to be truthful and honest with myself, to believe what i know is true about me.

I am me.

Love you xx

i read the words of kindred spirits, who reassure me i am never alone and remind me, i am always enough.
missing you, my beautiful friend.xo

[...] I read this over at Dancing Mermaid this evening, and I have to tell ya, it really resonated. I loved the part about “there’s the me I should be in my head…and there’s the me now…the whole me, that is who i want to be.” [...]

Man, do your words resonate, McCabe. I love the “there is the me i think i should be in my head and [the] me that actually is.” That really is it, isn’t it? Seeing ourselves – and our lives – for exactly what they are – at any given moment – and loving ourselves – all of ourselves – exactly as we are – in that moment.

… and I so love the “balance” of your blog, McCabe. I pour over your pictures, your crafts, the paintings made by your little camp mermaids, love reading your daily musings and love love these personal posts – they connect me, inspire and assure me that none of us is alone in our struggle with self-doubt.

… and I laugh, too! “energy for social stuff with non-frizzy hair and cute outfits!” Yes, I want that, too!

xo
Liz

Wow. I will have to print to reread again You really do express yourself so well.
I keep saying to myself over and over “you just need to find balance, and you’ll be fine” but your first paragraph really made sense. I guess if you are whole and completely feeling and being where you are, then balance is a side effect. My biggest trouble is remaining centred at the office. So often I have to wander off, to get back to actually being me, and not reacting to someone else when they make me angry (feel like I should whisper that last word, like a nervous confession, ha!). I have been coming home, and laying down for a few minutes, just concentrating on breathing in and breathing out, so I don’t pass the negativity of my day on to my partner or my evening. I fill myself up by reading cookbooks, and the next week, cooking what they’ve inspired me to create. I fill myself up by trying to be honest with myself, and sometimes this takes a little more contemplating and sitting with something, to get to the real truth and heart of the matter.
And sometimes, we just go for a drive or a walk. Be with ourselves.
Thank you, for another beautiful post.
xo emily.

your words are wise and lovely. i have read this a couple of times and am still pondering why it resonates so deeply. i used to look at people that i perceived to be more ‘attractive’ or better than me and assume they lived a more carefree existence. it has taken me time and work to learn (or begin to learn) that that wasn’t true nor was it constructive. thank you. you are most certainly enough.

Hi,
I have done this issue all my life. i had an experience last year when on a placement from my Occupational Therapy course when I told my Supervisor that I always feel I have to give more then just myself. She told me I am good. enough. It was the most accepted I have ever felt.
I recently had major surgery and it was only when I needed help myself from Statutory services that I saw how poor the provision is and how MUCH I had been giving and giving and giving, over-stretching myself all these years and yet I could not get that same effort poured into me. It changed me. I no longer anxt about my clients nearly as much. How can be any good to myself if I give all my energy away to others. i am here for more than just to fulfil others needs. I need somethig left for me. There is this great book I read ‘The Heart and Soul of change’ It’s for professionals so a bit heavy but basically says the most important person’s mental health is yours. People/patients/clients/punters will come and go and take from you what they need. You are the one who is in it for life. It’s about not just being left with the husk if you ask me.
It’s true, so true. I say this not as a cynic but as a realist. Look after YOU
I have to say I exclude (most) children from being draining. I personally think they are little healers right up to adulthood when they get affected by the massive focus on ‘productivity’.
So, hug some more little people and see how the world does not end when you don’t return phone-calls for a while x

i was thinking yesterday, that my issues, will probably always be my issues,(no matter how much shrinking i do), they’ll just appear in different ways.

lately, i’ve been trying to get myself back, because i witnessed parts of myself that i don’t like, someone that i never thought i was.

writing/journaling and moving my body are always the way i find myself back. and the faith that i know i will and that it will pass.

i hope someday to believe that i’m enough. xo

Thanks for the beautiful words. I need to read that – I am more than enough. Lately, I’ve been trying to say “I’m just right” whenever I start hearing the negative tape recorder of all that’s wrong with me…

I have a question about painting rocks! You inspired me to paint some over the weekend – and I wanted to ask you about the type of paint you use – and if you seal them with anything. Thanks!

I don’t know why I find it so incredible that there are so many of ‘us’ out here…Is it wrong that it’s kind of comforting?

So much of what you have posted here had me going…yes…ditto…uh-huh…oh ya, that’s me. Whenever I’m feeling ‘less than’ the first thing I do is deprive myself of self-care. No yoga…no painting…no eating healthy…going to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

I think most of know that deep down…we are enough. It’s all those shitty voices (sometimes our own) from the past…and present that are so noisy they drown out the reassuring one.

What I have found helps me…and I do it lots…Is to just breathe. A couple of deep, slow breaths immediately calms and centers me…and you can do it anywhere, anytime…It’s no magical cure-all, but it helps me reconnect with me when I’m feeling drained.

So much love to you!! Thank you for posting this!

xoxo

Thanks for this… just exactly what I was needing … and what I have been writing about too these past few days!

my hang up is this idea that to be loved, I had to be ‘useful’. Such an ugly word. Art helps. My amazing husband still being there, the same loving accepting presense, no matter how much I sometimes push and poke and prod helps tremendously. My life coach saying that she’d rather show me how to deal with guilt than resentment any day of the week. Laying out in the grass with the dogs. Not doing too much-even if the too much sounds really fun and exciting-and accpeting that.

Reading inspiring books and novels; watching DVDs to let my mind rest from the crazy thinking; writing in my journal; working on my photographs; taking myself out for a coffee; walking along the beach; being quiet… these help to fill me up when i am depleted. Not being good enough is a HUGE thing for me, and as i tackle it i learn that sometimes i need to pull back from people, to stop the comparisons, or inevitable guilt when i don’t live up to their expectations. as i suffer from depression this happens a lot, and i have lost friendships from this, when i have to withdraw to preserve my energy and let myself hide to heal. some people don’t understand why i would do this – and then the guilt kicks in and fear that i am such a shit friend, and should give more. but when there’s nothing to give, i can’t do it.

okay, a long comment to say: i hear ya x

Wow! Every time I stop by here, it’s more and more beautiful, more empowering, more inspiring. I absolutely adore your rock postcards…you are a creative genius, my girl.
And I loved reading this post. You write so bravely and honestly. I’m all about finding balance this summer as I struggle to spend time with my daughter, while tackling every other aspect of my life.
You are amazing and I must remember to check in here more often.

*I wish my hatchling had a summer artsy teacher like you!
xo

Dear heart,
You are so ENOUGH! You are more than enough. I thank you for sharing your most delicate moods, thoughts and feelings. I used to live a whole life of “shoulds” and giving so others would be happy, etc. I found out that it’s really important to take care of YOU first! It’s not selfish…it is imperative. One cannot do a myriad of things daily…and nightly without it taking its toll. Fill your own cup first. If it means taking an hour for quiet time, so be it. If you need to get away for an hour or whatever time, do it! You share soooo much with all of us, J, the mermaids and a jillion others. It is amazing, we love it but we all want YOU to be happy and at peace.

I honestly do not mean this to sound like a “mom” but it’s ok to just be. It really is!

Much love and appreciation my friend,

Helluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu sweet Mermaid. Loved this post!!!!! I find myself lately enjoying a walk along the 101 from Swamis to the end of the Campgounds listening to the Gipsy Kings. It reminds me of an innocent time. Keir was only 5 or so and we had just moved into La Jolla with my boyfriend. He was the love of my life. He loved both Keir and I unconditionally and our life was amazing. We had a 1 bedroom condo on the water at WindnSea and we gave Keir the bedroom. Lior and I slept in the livingroom and thought nothing of it! We always had the front door open for friends to visit at their leisure….. music blasting, people came in and out for dinners and conversation all the while the ocean breeze would be drifting in from the beach just steps away. We were so in love and life was incredible. So my point here is what Ive been doing for myself is living in an innocent state. Reminding myself that life is so precious and to take each day as it comes and your voice is always whispering in my ear……Angie, be gentle with yourself. So as I walk, listen, smell and embrace the end of each day I thank my friend McCabe for those two words. BE GENTLE. And I promise, Ive been doing it. Ever so gently…………Big Hug and lots of Love & Light, ANG

it makes so much sense when you say it … not balanced, but whole.

**wherever you are, be all there, fully present.**

it’s amazing to me that just this last weekend i finally got good & pissed about some shit i’ve been living with for awhile. i was always explaining it away to myself, making excuses, afraid to be angry. really starting to simmer underneath that calm facade.

and then i let it go. i yelled, i cried, i beat the walls and pillows. got good and fully pissed. i didn’t care who saw or heard (luckily i live with very safe people). more than just being cathartic (which it really was), it released something healing in me. i was finally honest & real about something in me i was afraid to let out. and more than just being cathartic, i think it’s a stepping stone that’s helping me move forward, healed & not pretending, being fully honest & loving toward myself. fully present with the truth.

it feels good. it is good.

and yeah:
i am enough.
i am enough.
i am enough.
{i really am.}

)

i’m thinking that balance is really a life long lesson to learn. one moment i am so balanced and in the now feeling that I can hold on to that state forever, but then well you know how it goes. Not so balanced and feeling like i’ll never get back there again. in a day i can go back and forth, back and forth. but what i’m learning lately (especially since becoming a new mommy) is that going back and forth between feeling whole and balanced, and well the complete opposite is ok… my meditation and yoga practice, as well as my art help me center myself and focus on what’s important in my life. when i’m worried or feeling off balance, they gently remind me that stressing about it won’t help. but like all life challenges, balance is something that i think i’ll always struggle with… and that’s ok.

so happy your back, thanks for sharing!

As I read the beginning of your post I thought about an experiment I did a little while ago. Every time I had a “not enough” or a negative thought about myself orabout what I was doing I would point at my head and say “OUT!” out loud!! It made me (and others around me) laugh and it reminded me that I had to be tough on the thoughts that WEREN’T ACTUALLY MINE and gentle on the ones that were nourishing me!!

What do I do? Not enough. I write & blog, I read and I wander. But I think I need to let myself DO more things to nourish me. I think a swim is a very very good idea!

Love to you -

Kindred spirits find each other in the right moment.. answering what our heart and soul needs. You are food for my soul. I cant remember who’s blog i found you through but i suppose that doesnt matter. Your thoughts mirror mine and alot of us that read this blog.
i too have me in my head who is tidy and does everything right.. but i feel thats for others not me. me in real life is messy , has lists but never finishes them.
i love your rocks, am going to do some with the kids for the garden and maybe some secret deliveries..
have great day… your nor alone .

I make friends like you and my cup runneth over. And then I grab my honey for a quickie in the basement as I am changing over the laundry, and HE fills me up. It’s all about perspective.

♥

My “secret” recharging tips:

~naps, regardless of the time of day, as needed.
~long soaks in the bathtub
~walking in Nature and/or Beauty
~grabbing my collaging tools and assembling random images together to see what emerges
~grabbing certain CD’s and immersing myself in the music. Last night it was Loreena McKennitt. Enya’s really good too.
~LOTS of lavender: candles, shower gel, lotion.

…and just out of curiosity, when was the last time you made out a list of things you’re doing RIGHT?
(because I see you doing lots of things right)

Blessed Be,
VSD

I am so f*&^ing enough!! I love this post and I want you to know I read it this morning before my yoga practice and I said it throughout the day.. thank you.

Yoga has been my way of filling my soul back up so far. Savasana, meditation and the whole bit- it ’s been a great way to recharge and center my day. I’m also looking forward to being creative with my paints and pencils in a week or so. Hopefully, we’ll be going to the mountains to bask in nature a bit soon too. xoxo

this spoke to me on many levels.
thank you…for helping me to not feel alone.

love,
d

This is soooo important, and something I struggle with aaaaaaaallll the time. Hence the use of many letters in a row. Just last week, after a what felt like a three day meltdown, I made a commitment to myself to let go, not take on more than I needed to, to do whatever I had to do to accept who I am at any given moment even if it falls short of the kind of person I strive to be (you know, PERFECT). I have to work at it every day, sometimes by the hour, but it is worth every effort….absolutely.

arhhh thank you, you were talking of the same thing and im so glad i came and read this, sometimes i think its only me that feels this way, everyone else to me seems so balanced and whole, i know i am not, i am being gentle with myself or trying to, i think we all expect too much of ourselvess, well i know i do.
im still searching for my whole self, i think it will happen, and ill be enough.
slowing finding the lost me!
this post was wonderful to read, im taking my son off to the beach for a swim this morning
thankyou x x

i love this post. i can really see so much of myself in it. normally i like to get in bed, wrap myself in the covers and say ‘i forgive others, i forgive myself, i am enough, life is good’ then i scream really loudly and throw the covers off. this normally helps for a few days. also, every morning when i wake up i like to say ‘i am choosing to have a good day. i choose to be happy, i choose to be me, i choose to help others’. im all about repetitive-ness.

for me the best recharge is found by being outside. preferably near water. lately though it has been finding a secluded place in the mountains and just being.

another fave is painting or my photography. it is how i get to express myself without words. love it

still working on the part of owning that ‘i am enough’…

my mom has always gently reminded me how important being whole was. it’s so true. we can’t give much back, or nurture properly if we aren’t whole.
i have never commented here but visited before and i love how open you are about your journey.
it’s mind boggling how we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything and in our heads do it perfectly.
i’m at a point in my life where i’m so in awe of so many beautiful, creative
and talented souls that i’m sort of feeling less because i don’t put myself in that community, and i can and i am a creative soul and i have talent. i have to remind myself and keep exploring the possibilities and know that they are there for me too, not just the people i am inspired by.
i never really thought about it in a “i’m not enough” way but that’s really what it is and that’s wrong. i am enough, thanks very much, and i needed to read those magical rocks.
i conjured up a really lovely visual of you as a wee girl at your vacation home during quiet time. that’s a beautiful image to see. it’s so important to encourage quiet time.
i fill myself up with a short walk to the local shops. evenif it means just getting some sunshine and fresh air. i read, get out and snap a photo just because, love my doggie just a little bit extra and for now pursue my love to create. even if it is a simple paper project, i’m trying to re-purpose materials i already have and use what’s available. a lit candle and a hot bath never hurts either.

thinking of you…

OH MY MY MY!!! you sound EXACTLY like me! i am in a constant struggle~ you are amazing & i am so glad i found you! i will be back~ FOR CERTAIN! ~ i LOVE your rocks! inspiration! my 3 kids are at their grandparents for the weekend & I am spending the day in my studio (which has been NEGLECTED, big time! for months!)…first, 2 hours of yoga! then some “fReSh” in a glass, then CLEAN my studio….then, comes the BEST part….cReAtiNg!
peace&love~
eRiCa
p.s.. i’m going to add you 2 my favourite blogs & i’d love to feature your rocks & part of this story on my blog~ with your permission, of course!
have a fabulous day!

I’m so grateful that I randomnly wandered in here tonight to read this, I need to. Thank you!

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balance, what balance?

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