DancingMermaid » my dad, creating, and spreading the love.

my dad, creating, and spreading the love.

as a kid, i spent a lot of time on a little island on the coast of north carolina. every friday after school, my parents would pick me up and we would head to our beach cottage for the weekend.
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i look at old videos of this time in my life and it does not even look real. miles and miles of white sand, me in a orange one piece with a black tire running down the beach. there were not many folks on the island in those early days, and mostly we depended on our own vices to entertain ourselves. yes, days full of sea and sand is heaven-but at the same time it got lonely sometimes too.

so i began to draw. people. mostly girls and their mothers and sisters and friends. a father here and there-i did not know how to make ‘boy hair” very well so the chickies always outnumbered the dudes. i would make families of these paper dolls, and keep them in the top drawer of my desk. it was a fairly private hobby, and if anyone came into my room unannounced- i would swish those dolls right back in the drawer in one swoop.

my dad was quite enchanted by this secret act of mine and used to tease that he wanted to take one to save when i was older. every now and then i would note a sister or a baby missing in that drawer, and wondered if my dad was really swiping them.

when i was home 6 summers ago for my dads funeral, i found myself in his office one afternoon. i started snooping-looking frantically actually-for some sign of my dad. proof of his love. maybe a letter he meant to send or a picture or a poem. finally, under stacks of receipts and old bills, there it was. a beige folder with my name on it.

in it, there were drawings i had done from the age of three to just a few weeks before-he had saved an envelope that i had doodled flowers and vines on. i opened up the envelope expecting to find the last letter i had sent, and instead out spilled about a dozen paper dolls.

turned out he was not bluffing after all.

that was the first time i wept, really wept, since his death. i had found what i was looking for-this final message of love.

growing up, it was hard for my dad to support my creativity at times. there were years where he was not working which led him into some dark phases of his life. when he finally emerged-i was no longer connected in the same way to the man who delighted in my paper dolls. life was hard and people were mean, and for gods sakes arts and crafts were fine for a hobby but not a realistic career choice.
looking back, i forgive him for this. he was trying to protect me from the same demons that ate him alive. i can understand that now.

the ironic thing is, about 6 months before my dad passed, something in him changed. one day while we were chatting on the phone, he mentioned a neighbor friend of his who painted vintage furniture and sold it out of her garage. he carefully described the colors, the words she wrote, the cleverness of her art.

“dad, do you want to paint?” i asked gently.

he did, and all of our conversations from there on were about his painting. there was just one little problem.

he was having trouble picking up a paintbrush.

so i sent him watercolors, acrylics, tiny brushes and sponge brushes-anything to create a spark. i sent books on how to paint and books on how to get over being afraid to paint. each time we spoke on the phone my first question was always, “did you start?….”

but he was not ready.

sadly, he never did begin before he died. that was difficult for me to accept and i was angry for a long time. grieving is a strange emotion. there is no logic or rhyme to it. there are no directions on how to handle it. i had so much anger that i did not know what to do with myself. really, there was no one to blame or be angry at, which made me even more angry.

but i don’t feel that way anymore. i feel blessed that we had so many talks about art and creativity before he left. one comment he made stands out in my mind. he told me that what he loved most about my art is that he can see me clearly in everything i create.

isn’t that what art should be? an expression of oneself?

i think my dad would be really proud of what i am doing creatively with my life right now. it makes me ache that i can’t show him, however, i do feel like i am also honoring his life and dreams by following my own.

this is why i choose to share this part of my journey with you today. i acknowledge that beginning is hard, and there is often a lot of bullshit you have to plow through before you can be truly free. the important thing is this-you ARE free. if you can untangle yourself from anything or one who is pulling you under-you are free. no chains can lock you in. no nonsupporting comment can stop you from being who you are unless you allow it.

you are free, beautiful being. you are now free to create and be yourself. because i said so.

if my dad were alive today, i would no doubt send him some sort of creativity package stuffed full of goodies. so, instead, in my dads honor-i am going to make an art package for one lucky reader. all you have to do is leave a comment here and i will put your name in a hat and pick a winner on wednesday. my dad would love to be involved in inspiring someone else to create art. i want to give his story power and purpose. by reading this, you have given him purpose, and i thank you for that. bless you.
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happy fathers dad to all the beautiful dads out there, and the dads to be too…and happy dream making to everyone.

YOU are an artist.

don’t ever let them tell you different.

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we have just chosen the winner (and a runner up) of the creativity package and it will be announced tomorrow.

51 Comments so far
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mccabe ..
thank you for sharing this .. the peek into your childhood .. the process you had for creating so early ..
for finding your way to understand/share/forgive your father .. what a blessing this is!
you are indeed a magical mermaid .. I believe in you and dreams and creating
all good things, all ways, always
lynne

Oh my…Mccabe so much I want to say. The image of those dolls tucked away for him–saving his beautiful little girl’s creations–has me in tears. Happy tears. He saw you. You honor him. Sending you love, peace and joy today.

Tears in my eyes, so beautiful and true.

M-
what a lovely story, filled with such warmth but so real. I appreciated your honesty and forgiveness. It is a forgotten trait in this world. Have a snuggly day…
-namaste

I haven’t commented here in awhile. But I read every post.
This one really touched me. It made me cry actually. I savored each word and read so carefully and so slow.
I am so grateful for these words. I’m trying so hard right now. I feel full, no bursting, with creative juices and I can’t find my focus. I’ve started sketching plans, drawing my dreams, and while it is helping, I feel so far from their reality.
I’m beginning a new journey, a new blog (it’s still under construction), and I’m filled with giddy anticipation, but still so insecure.
YOU are an artist, gentle McCabe. You are inspiring and beautiful, and I’m so lucky I found you…

Such a lovely post. My father died thirty years ago, but I always will remember his love of art and everything created by hand.

You paint such vivid, colorful stories with your words. I could just picture little you on the lonely beach, and at your desk creating your paper comrades. And your sweet pop peeking in on you and being amused and enchanted by his best creation. You.

Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt time in your life. And the truth and the forgiveness as well.

I would love to win.
You inspire me.
I’m so proud of you for sharing your story. Its a good good thing. You’re safe here. I also still love my rocks and tag- its hanging on one of my favorite plants.
All the best to you Love Love.

Samantha

This was such a wonderful story and so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it with us.

This is exactly what I need to hear. That I just need to start…and that I have permission to do so.

Thank you for inspiring me. Things are starting to come in order for me after my break up and I really need to just start. Thank you…thank you!!

There has been an ache in my heart all day, I am missing my dad. It is only now with my family warmly tucked into their beds and with your words before me that I am allowing the tears to fall. Once again you have touched me to my core, in telling your story you have reminded me of hidden away parts of mine.
XXOOXX

A beauty*full tribute to your dad.
Blessed Be, Mermaid of the Sea…

what a tender story you share of your Dad. Warmth and longingness… I never got to talk to my Dad today, at 67 he’s still too busy to share a tender moment with me. I’m glad you found yours even if he wasn’t there in body to see it. Happy Fathers Day to you.

thank you for sharing this part of your life. My Dad is still alive and I wish we could connect like you did… You brought tears too my eyes and I am grateful. God Bless…
eric

I am commenting, not in hopes of getting a care packages-in fact, I have tons of stuff and hope another lucky reader gets choosen. Instead I just want to honor your truth and your dad and your journey. My hubs lost his dad unexpectedly 3 years ago. They were very, very close (his dad was a single dad-mom not in the picture and it was just the two of them growing up). At our wedding, we did a tribute to his dad, honoring his life and his presense and you could see the pain still in my hubs eyes but also a healing as he got to honor the life of someone he loved so dearly. That’s what I see here today-sadness, but a healing, an acceptance.
And I think that’s a wonderful gift to give our loved ones that are no longer on this plane.

*namaste*

You have such a connected and contagious spirit. My dad is passed on too, and I spent all day yesterday trying to think of the words to honor him in a Father’s Day post, but the words wouldn’t come.
Thank you for posting this, your feelings on grief and your touching memories.
with hugs & tears in my eyes…xo

I miss my dad.

Loved this… thank you so much for sharing him with us. The tears are creeping into my eyes even as I write this comment.

**i’m going to order 2 of your creativity kits this week, so please don’t enter my name in the contest as i am blessed to have so many of your wonderful things and would love for other readers to have a little of your magic in their life!

**What I am really writing to say is that your words never fail to move me.

I’m so proud of you for honoring your dad in this beautiful way today…and I’m sure he is so very proud as well.

You are one classy mermaid!

xoxo,

tammy

Creativity and fathers- I have a lot swirling around in my head about that. I loved that you shared this with us about your Dad who saved your little people- often that insight in to what you are loved for is just so precious. This story was that.

You are a magical mermaid artist, McCabe!!

i already feel like a lucky reader for getting to hear this story about your dad and your love for each other. what a treasure you found in that drawer, thank you for letting us in to this part of your journey. you are lovely mccabe. creative.inspiring.free.and it’s contagious.

What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. I can’t imagine what you must have felt as those dolls spilled out of the envelope. Wow.

wow, mccabe. this story about you and your dad really moved me, too. all the layers of it. who you were as a little girl. who he was, the relationship you shared when you were little. how he changed because life can be black and terrible. how he reconnected with hope. how you loved him in that place. (i LOVE that part!) and how you grieved and felt angry at how it ended. but it didn’t end, and you found that. it lives on, through you. and now, through all those you inspire just by being who you are.

i’m so glad i found you, mccabe. you bring light and life to the world. and hope. we need more hope. and shine like a beacon full of it. love to you . . .

That was beautiful, McCabe. Thank you for sharing that. I loved that your dad kept your things and that you found it. How good and sad too that must have felt. Love to you~
T

So, so beautiful McCabe! Thanks for sharing!!
-Piper

More tears here. This definitely struck a chord. You write beautifully.

once again, awesome! Thanks!

Thanks so much for sharing that story. Father’s Day is always a tough one for me. You are an inspiration, as always.

I agree … a beautiful tribute to your father. I’ll share a little secret with you. I used to make families of “creepy-crawlies” that I made from decorated strips of paper folded accordian-style. I had a town setup for them in my school desk and another at home in a drawer. Thank you for bringing back those memories.

Your words are magic…just like you. I appreciate so much your sharing these tender thoughts and moments with us.
Much love,

What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful dad, who loved his little girl, and was proud of the artist she is. How beautiful for you for honoring him and for finding the love on the other side of the anger. And I love how you, lovely you, inspire so many people to open themselves to who they yearn to be.

Your dad would be proud.

xox

McCabe,
What an incredibly lovely story! Thanks for sharing it. My dad & I have also found a connection, more through music than writing (my preferred art), but it is always something we can turn to and it is a joy and a blessing. He loves to talk to my boyfriend (a musician) about playing and he’s said more than once how he used to pick a little but could never get the hang of the guitar though he admires it greatly in others. I’m glad that you & your dad had this connection through art even if he didn’t have a chance to express it himself in his own work. You are honoring him in a very special way.
I always think fondly of when we met at E Street Cafe for my poetry reading and though I haven’t commented lately, your posts, in this creative, vibrant part of your life, have been inspiring and I can only look forward to the day (soon soon!) when my perspective is as positive as yours is right now. I’m working on it. Thanks for your continued inspiration.

As I begin to write to you I am without words. Amazing. Me? Without words? HA. Thank you for writing this. Writing for me is very healing and cleansing. I hope for you as well. Lots of Love & Light being sent your way sweet McCabe. ~Ang

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story; I am deeply moved by it.
I had to smile, however, when you told us of the paper dolls you made of girls and how you kept them secret. I remember I used to do the same as a child…. until now, I seriously believed I’d been the only child in the world who drew tiny girls and women and kept the pictures a secret like the most private diary entries. I still wonder what was behind all this, sometimes.

Strange thing… with me, it’s not others who are telling me that I’m no artist. Many do, but I don’t. It seems I am never pleased with my own work. I still hope to achieve my own high goals one day, though…. nevertheless, it’s difficult at times.

McCabe,
What a beautiful story…I read your blog regularly but felt compelled to comment today…Fathers Day is always a tough one for me because my dad died when I was 19 and the relationship was not so good before his death. I love that you reconnected with your Dad and had “time” with him..even if by phone. Thanks for sharing…Love, Melissa

Thank you.

Sadly, I have not painted or chalked since college (18 yearsago- yea). I have all of my supplies sitting on my desk in a lovingly created craft room. They sit there waiting for some spark of creativity.

Your post sent me in a new direction- I need to make it happen- NOW.

McCabe,

Thank you so much for sharing such a poignant part of your life!

Sometime it can take so long to get through such a difficult time, but with support we do come out of it stronger and better in honor of those loved ones.

There is no doubt in my mind that your dad is looking down on you with love and adoration for you and everything that you are doing for you.

I am so glad that you were able to have those talks before he passed on.

Create, live, enjoy life.

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

what a beautiful post ~ so so beautiful!!!

wish i could give you a big ol hug today!

xoxo
s

Such a lovely post…. very touching and made me cry. I’m sure your dad would be so proud of you.

“i think my dad would be really proud of what i am doing creatively with my life right now.”
I think he definitely is. xo

you are made of pure sweetness, thank you for this post:)

your post captivated me. i love that your dad understood how much of you was in your art even when your were young and making paper dolls.

take care of you

storm

Wow! Such a great tribute to your dad. I have a feeling he read it as soon as you finished typing.
My dad passed away 8 years ago on fathers day. He was the most amazing role model for me. His love for nature, animals and for all of us siblings is what keeps my family strong and close. I miss him everyday, but am comforted by his strong presence he has all around me. That’s what makes my house so special, it used to be his and his trees and spirit are still thriving here. Happy Father’s Day!

This is so beautiful, thank you so much for sharing this story with us.
I am lucky enough to still have my wonderful Dad around, and since he has retired he has taken up oil painting which he absolutely loves. I treasure the picture of our house he painted for me.

mccabe,

It is amazing to me how difficult it is to allow oneself to create.

Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for reminding me that I really must create what I want in my life.

Love,
Jen

McCabe,

You have a way of writing that changes words into pictures. And as I begin reading along I’m no longer just looking at letters on a page but seeing images of the beach, you drawing, quickly stashing your dolls away, your dads smile, and how proud he was of you……you have so many gifts. Thank you for sharing your story, and a piece of who you are and where you come from. You continue to touch my heart in the most indescribeable ways.

That was such a precious story! My Dad keeps poems I wrote with sharpies on scrap paper taped to the back of his bedroom door, along with pictures of all of my sister’s tattoos. Next to his bed are pictures of each of us in our childhood rocking chairs. When he had grandchildren, he brought the rocking chair upstairs for them. Fathers collect memories, even when they don’t tell you.

Okay, i didnt think that i needed to cry today but maybe the pull of the freedom from within is calling me to let it go and embrace my inner creativity and beauty. thank you mermie. my dad was an artist. he is still alive but his art is alcohol now and fibro mialgia does not permit him (so he says) to create. it angers me as well because he has such a gift and he is just letting it go. i always wanted to be as talented as he in his art but am now learning that i am creative too just not the same way. my medium is photography and creating beautiful spaces. its not painting or drawing but i think that i got the “eye” from him.
Happy Tuesday to you my lovely, you are beautiful, thank you so very much for sharing. I gotta go call my dad now.

xoxoxox

What a beautiful story & how amazing is it that you got that last message from your Dad - he loved you and supported you completely. What a gift!

I am so energized by all of your posts lately - I AM DOING IT!! I am creative-ing!! Just wait ’til you see!!!!

Take GOOD care of you!!

so beautiful and yes, your dad is so proud of his mccabe…what a lucky man to have had such an incredible soul for a daughter…thank you for sharing that piece of your soul.

i’m so happy you found what you went looking for that day in his office and i can’t think of a more beautiful way to honor your father and the memories of him, sweet mccabe.
xo

penis enlargement…

penis enlargement…

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my dad, creating, and spreading the love.

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