compassion*

pulling myself out of a depression is getting easier each day. i am feeling inspired to reconnect with others again..something i take as a good sign. there was a long period of isolation, and while much of it was essential to my self-healing, one fact always remained-i was freaking lonely. yes, i had my sweet justin, (who could not be any kinder if he tried) but i missed my other world. i missed my tribe and the joy of being around like-minded women. i missed laughing with my best pals. there was no replacing the faces i loved.
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i think the most humbling part of this experience was the amount of compassion i received. no questions asked, i was accepted and embraced despite long stretches of silences and unanswered voicemails. my guilt slowly melted away because i really felt people understood where i was coming from and were authentically okay with it. this gave me permission to be okay with it, and cultivate a bit of compassion for myself.
*
this is such a significant gift to me because silences in friendship used to be something that scared the living crap out of me. i know the anxiety is directly tied to certain events in my childhood, but even having that awareness was not always helpful or healing. there were times i took things so personally it hurt. i do have compassion in many areas of my life, but this definitely was a spot where it was lacking. no matter how many times i tried to remind myself that the world does not revolve around me and my “helping” tactics, the feeling of being abandoned and rejected would resurface anytime this fear would get triggered. my ache of being left behind seemed larger than listening to my higher self. i needed reassurance, i needed proof of love. i did not want to be an energy vampire, and yet i thought gaps in communication and connection were because i had done something terribly wrong. yep, there was no way someone had this thing called life that was not related to me. not taking things to heart was a struggle. i was certain i would forever be cursed as the girl who cared too much.
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until quite recently, i spent many days feeling completely frozen. my fears felt huge, overwhelming and unprocessed. pealing myself away from netflix and my hot water bottle did not feel doable. it was not because someone pissed me off. it was not because i was trying to avoid anyone. it was a matter of being so completely caught up in my own shit that dragging anyone else into it seemed unfair. quiet was the one thing that made sense, the only medicine i craved.
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so yeah, i get it now. i really do, and i am not sure how else i would have learned this lesson. it comforts me to know there is power in my suffering. it was not all for nothing.
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i have started to see the world with new eyes. i have begun to look outside my own lines and rules into the challenges of others. it is transforming me. the vibration is higher, stronger, and with much more clarity. this is the most beautiful way to see people, i am discovering.
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compassion and understanding. what better gift could you give to your friends…
what better gift could you give to yourself?

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as is my way, thank you honey. i never really have understood that about friends either – i feel so rejected, so left out. i can help, no really! but you’re right – what about all the times i’ve needed to retreat and withdraw? it has nothing to do with ME and understanding that, makes me the best friend i can be.

YOU are so clearly a sister of mine.
i take in what you are saying.
i thank you.

+ ps: this pc. of writing is SO clearly written. you communicated so succintly!

your words always seem to speak directly to me i’m so very grateful that the universe chose to put us in each other’s paths. i can’t wait to squeeze you on sunday!

the best give i can give myself right now is forgiveness. to recognize my imperfections, weaknesses, frailties – see them with realistic eyes (not the magnifying glass i usually use) and then let them go. stop holding on to them with guilt and shame. for me it is a slippery slope between retreating from the world to give myself some peace to hiding out and isolating myself away from everyone and everything.

so, balance also is a gift i really need from myself.

i love you, mccabe.

When it comes to being too much, too serious – my dear – you and I are like twins. Its a constant tug-of-war between caring too much and then feeling unloved if the same care is not returned. For a long time now – I feel like i’ve lost myself. I used to be happy and carefree in my younger days – but there is a part of me that is just very scared and fragile at the moment. I want to break free from the bonds of “serious-ness”. I’ve spent way too many years in “my dark place” and I’m clawing my way out. For once I just want to feel light, free, easy breezy and cheerful. I don’t want things to be so heavy anymore. Anyway. Thanks for presenting a safe spot for me to vent. I think we just might be twins of the soul! Love you

Oh goodness, it does seem that we were on the same wave length last night.

This post is so full of promise and goodness and it warms my heart to see that you are moving past that place of darkness and cold because it is not a nice place to visit. I think that I am finally starting to make some sense of that all myself or at least know that it has a name and a face and that is consumes us whole and that we must work to push it aside.

And your words on friendships….I so understand that as well and have felt this way for many many years. Having now made some really beautiful new friends has opened my eyes to the fact that it can be done and that I won’t feel left behind or left out, but sometimes I still need to check myself because old patterns can and do creep in.

Okay, this is so not about me!

You sound good. You sound like you are seeing a new path and that you are starting down that path of light and that you have clarity. Beaming for that. Beaming for you.

Thinking of you and sending love and support. xoxo

Ay mi Amor, watching you grow like this is just beautiful… I feel honored to have you share your thoughts, your wisdom, your learnings through difficult times in your life that only make you stronger and more beautiful…

Always thinking of you, loving you, and holding your hand, and always giving you the quiet you need, and waiting for when you need a (((HUG)))…

Love,
Me

beautiful you ~ i so completely understand this post and i soooo adore you, completely adore you … i too feel honored to have you share your thoughts and wisdom, your beauty, your magic and your realness, your incredibly beautiful realness. thinking of you ~ warm hugs and smiling thoughts … xoxoxox

I think it is wonderful that you have learned so many valuable truths while in this quiet time.

I love you. Always have. Always will. xo

your words are so eloquent and true. i’m always inspired and uplifted here. and for that, thank you…

im not sure there *is* a better gift!
compassion and understanding come from l o v e -
a truemaddeep love . . .

xxoo
mona carissa

You are light years ahead of me, but in your words I see myself and the needs are the same. The need for quiet right now is my burden. I long for the world to shut down and pay attention to me and me alone. I’m the one in pain after all. The guilt at being so selfish at times is overwhelming. But it’s all part of healing, of coming up for air, swimming first, lungs depraved, against the tide, until breaking through the surface. Some days are easier than others. Hope, after all springs eternal, and people like you remind me that it’s so totally doable. Like they say in Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.’

Love this blog. It’s so freakin’ inspiring.

Love you.

again…i read your words, re-read them and so deeply connect to what you are saying and feeling.
i feel like if i stay in or miss time with people i will forever be alone. something must be amiss if i am not in my constant swirl of people and things to do…when going inside to the quiet parts of myself is all i really need.

you sound like you have truly learned this lesson and that is so wonderful!

love to you

i feel your peace from here.

still loving my dancing mermie morning rock ritual.

love you.

your post felt so light today – like you feel lighter than you have for a long time. I understand SO MUCH about being scared of silence in friendships. Moving to another country has forced me to deal with a lot of this – but I get it!!

enjoy your day – enjoy reemerging.

I have been a crappy blog commenter the last few weeks, but I am just writing to tell you I love you still and your blog.

Please have a blessed Christmas holiday and know I’ll be back in the New Year.

Know that things are getting better every day. Read the Energy Alert!

So much of what you’ve been going through resonates with me. It scares me. And I find it so courageous of you to pull yourself out of it. To know what you need and take that action. You are quickly becoming a favourite daily visit for me. Know that I feel for you and I deeply appreciate your honesty and courageous sharing of those awful feelings of depression/anxiety.
(((peace & hugs)))

it’s all a process, and you’re making yours a beautiful one…you’re so full of love and light. i’m so happy to see your progress.
xoxox

I believe compassion is one of the most important gifts in the entire universe – to ourselves and to others. I can’t abide people who don’t give it to others, so why do I sometimes insist on with-holding it from myself? Anyway – every day a little easier, I’m smiling for you on that front. I know exactly what you mean. x

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