DancingMermaid

gifts

i have been thinking a lot about gifts lately, being the season and all. everywhere i go, there seems to be some suggestion on what i should buy and who i should buy it for. this so turns me off-the rush, the latest this or the latest that, angry drivers the saturday before christmas. yikes!
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but these are not the gifts i am referring to. i am talking about the ones that did not come in pretty packaging with a bright red ribbon. the ones that did not come on my birthday or appear under a tree. i am talking about the gifts i did not ask for… the ones i wanted to give back immediately-not really understanding they were a gift. sickness, doctors bills, depression, lethargy, anger, frustration…these are not things on top of my wish list, i can assure you that. oddly, all these things have made my life better.
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this time last year, my life was a different story. i was tired often, but not because of any physical or health reason, but because i was constantly giving my energy away. sometimes i did not even give it away, but it was taken none the less. i never bothered to reclaim it. i thought i was helping people. until recently, a huge part of my identity was i am the girl that people go to when they are in trouble. the problem was that i was constantly giving when i had nothing to give. i gave away my personal space to the point where there was no room for me. i was cramped and uncomfortable, and furious at myself for creating such a home for my soul. i knew better.
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i have had a lot of time on my hands this past year. this time was a gift. it was time to get clear. it was time to get to know myself again. it was time to see what was working and what was not. it was time to stop crashing and burning. a rhythm that never resonated.
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i was gifted with the strength to slowly emerge from the dark, icky space. i look around and see a new world around me. there is no drama, and there is nobody to fix or assist. i see shining souls everywhere, who want nothing more but to see me succeed at being my most authentic self. my relationships with people changed. ones that were solely based on me giving were of no use anymore. ones that needed gentle repair were gifted with just that. i realized how deeply my love runs for those i care for, and vice-versa. i will forever be grateful and touched by all the sweet souls who made a powerful circle of hope around me in my time of need. instead of trying to heal me, they lifted me up. (you reading this, YOU lifted me up.) there is no way i could remain the same person after such a grand act of compassion and love.
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i was gifted with clarity. with clarity comes increased awareness. although i still have that seed that makes me floaty as a cloud, i make myself come down each day and sink my toes deep into the earth. it is then that i can drink in the intense beauty that swirls around me: the old tree two doors down that protects me each time i walk under it. the appreciation of a smooth beach stone that has tumbled for years in the sea to get that way. the older man with his mutt at the barber shop smoking a cig on the corner, never failing to give me a slight head tilt each time we cross paths. these moments fill me up. they are enough.
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i have been gifted with the knowledge to check in with myself more. am i able to do that favor? is this decision going to be good for my creativity? why am i feeling anxious right now? do i need to stay in tonight? how is my heart feeling today? there was a time where my feelings were pretty low on my priority list. this makes me sad. all those years of not honoring myself first. but then again grateful, because i am on the path to self-love now. i am not distracted. i am determined.
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i still give, but not because it defines me-because it is something that is important to me. all this love that is given to me-i want to give back. i want to keep the love flowing. i just give in different ways now. my best gifts are given when inspired by spirit. when i read something someone has written or said and a voice inside me says, YES! i also am finding the joy in giving anonymously. no expectation, no strings. nothing to lose or give away. that is a true gift.
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a part of me is scared to write all these things. this happy buzz that has been shooting through my veins lately, i am not used to it. being on medication sort of numbed out that feeling for me. it was great not hitting the low lows, but i rather missed the high highs.
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or maybe this is not even a high high. maybe it is simply what was underneath all the dirt and grim and gunk. a tiny sparkling gem stone placed in the center of my soul, waiting to be discovered.
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we all have that treasure hidden deep inside. what gifts helped you discover yours?
please share with me your story.

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on yahoo this moring there was an interview with a woman that had lost-I’m not kidding-700 lbs. without surgery. And she said something that really made me stop and think-she said she doesn’t regret the years lost becuase she is more aware now, she has greater clarity, she has more appreciation, etc. And so often, I have cursed how I was raised or whatever when really-I was blessed with gifts because of the ‘bad’ experiences. Wow. how refreshing to view it that way. Thank you for this post. It is enlightening and beautiful and deep.

*namaste*

i understand what you are saying … it is a realization that i came to while ago and i have even said that my babies gave me so many gifts even as they rose on wings lifted high to meld with the sky … it took me time to see all the gifts they gave me, all the gifts my life has given me but am getting there.

like you, i used to be the fixer, the healer, the one everyone came to but there was never any one for me and i am happy to note that has changed over the years as well … i stumble but move forward and that is a beautiful thing.

we are all gems under the dirt and you are so beautiful and full of sparkle and i am so glad that you are finding this place within yourself, this whole place of beauty and love. much love ~ xox

If you give what can be taken, you are not really giving. Take what you are given, not what you want to be given. Give what cannot be taken. ~Idries Shah

the past few weeks…looking back…YOU helped me to discover parts of myself..by being true to yourself…(don’t know if that makes sense?)
Now I just need to be true to myself.
xx

Hello, I am new to this…well I come by and read your posts thank you …you have awakened some creativity in me…now that is magical..thank you i would love to hear back from you…i have questions…:)

i so deeply, deeply, deeply appreciate your voice, your being, your offerings, mccabe.

with abundant love,
gem

I know very well the path that leads away from oneself, it is hard to stay focused at times, hard to think of me… but we try, yes? That counts for something.

I’m loving that you are embracing yourself, you are too special not to do so.

(((HUGS))),
Love,
Me

My heart continues to grow in love for you as I learn more of your story and hear more of your heart. What a beautiful heart it is! You are so freakin’ gorgeous, mccabe. I’m glad to have come across your path.

Thank you for extending the question to all of us. It’s a deep one: what intangible gifts that didn’t look like gifts have been a blessing in disguise? I guess my divorce is an obvious one. Also, being the middle child, the mediator, the peacemaker among my siblings and between my parents. Being the one who had to be strong for people who should have been the strong one for me. My depression two years ago, which had been ongoing for something like seven years but I didn’t know it. Probably it had been going on my whole life, from having taken in so much of what other people had given without knowing how to let it out or how to self-care or how to let others give to me.

I have hated hated hated that these pieces of my story have been in my story because they’ve caused so much pain and shame and sadness. But you are right: they are what make me beautiful today because of how I grew through them and did reach the end of myself and did discover whole billows full of love in others and in God that carried me on thick, sturdy fabric when I could no longer carry myself. What a surprise that has been! Not to have to do all of life by myself. And to find that my weaknesses and my frailties and my limits are okay. And to see that I, too, am beautiful, just the way I am.

i come here and your truths, speak so clearly to me.

i’ve always been the one that receives everything – i am the dump truck that listens, gives advices, holds secrets. it’s my strength and also my weakness.

the post i’ve put up tonight very much speaks about this journey, my beginning. i’m glad to know someone that has taken this leap and can say that it was worth it.

much love. xo

you are a true treasure my friend. this was really beautiful to read. xoxo

i have discovered the gifts i have received through loss and grief. what once felt like being trapped in a dark cave revealed light and beauty once the excavation took place. i suppose in some ways we should look at pain and sadness as blessings. emerging from this darkness i have been gifted with beautiful soul friends, newfound creativity and am rediscovering parts of myself. xoxo

I so relate to the “i am the girl that people go to when they are in trouble” comment. So I guess my gift this year, was being in trouble. More trouble than I’d ever imagined. It’s still coming, but another gift is the ability to look the trouble in the eye, face it head on and let the feelings just flow through me. No matter how icky they might be. Determination, surrender and resilience are awesome gifts that I would frankly like LESS OF next year. I would like more gifts of boundaries and abundance and joy in 2008. I hope you get those gifts too, my friend.

Much love to you, sweetie. You rock the universe.

once again, your words speak so very clearly.
I’ve been wallowing lately, feeling used and abused and so tired of being tired .. and taken advantage of.
Last night someone I used to “listen to” endlessly connected with me for the first time in a year .. just to say Thank You .. that all my listening, and waiting until asked to advise .. has paid off for her and she’s genuinely happy.
She reminded me I’m pretty wise .. and of value .. and to take my own good advice.
I intend to do so.
always

Your voice has been so powerful of late.
It sounds as if, in the process of opening to the unexpected gifts in this life, you have found the gift of your true self. She is stunning.

i want to comment on this now…but i have to think about how i want to phrase what i have learned for myself, on this journey, and what i constantly seem to forget…i just wanted to let you know that your words have given me beauty and pause for reflection today. as i am sitting here, a burst of sun just shone through my window…

Cancer was my gift. As I recovered from the words – the physical recovery was easier – I found my priorities changing. Many were hurt with me, but I have pruned a lot of the deadwood from my life and today I am stronger and more joyful and more careful to protect myself from being over used.

I love coming here and seeing what you are up too. Best wishes on the Etsy shop.

My story right now is that I KNOW there is something shining in me, but I am still digging away through the gunk and grime…my excitement is in the anticipation…

thank you lady! i shout *amen!* in your direction!

my unexpected blessings have been:

.:the poverty i lived in as a child, that has taught me maturity with money
.:my parents divorce, that has taught me how to set boundaries with the two of them
.:having four children in 5 years, teaching me love beyond measure and patience that i didn’t know i was capable of.
.:living far away from my family, teaching me to stand on my own and decide for myself what is truly important
.:having a husband that doesn’t agree with everything/anything i say or think, teaching me tolerance and opening my mind to new thinking.

i think you’re amazing. i’m so glad to have your shining magic in my life to boost me up on these dark days. (((hugs)))

I can so relate to what you are saying. I went through a period too, where I felt that I was the one people came to all the time about their problems when I had problems of my own as well, but didn’t feel the reciprocation. After letting family members know that I also needed them to help me, that I wasn’t the know all, be all person, they were able to help me and listen to me and my problems as well and that was wonderful.

I’ve also been trying to take that time for me. To say no to things. As my husband says, “to quit having a helium hand”. I do like to help people, I do like to volunteer, but I do realize now that I do need to say no. I need to have that “ME” time for me as well, and also for my family and my sanity.

for many years i was the one that people turned to for help. it was constant; it was draining. it was an “expectation” on their part that came to be from years of me having done so. I was the dependable one, i was the one that would not let them down.

unfortunately, time took its toll because my Self disappeared. i no longer existed. i was not living my life; i was merely here as a tool to help others. it was like i no longer mattered; what mattered was that everyone else was ok and their needs were met. i became angry and resentful. i had become emotionally and physically wasted.

one day i woke up and i had nothing left to give. i was spent, numbed. i realized i no longer wanted to be the one that gave all; i no longer wanted to be the one that everyone turned to for answers. i felt that i would have a breakdown if i didn’t change. and i realized that the only one who could change this was me, no one else. it was as much my fault as theirs. their expectations was one thing, but no one forced me to do it. guilt forced me. but that came from me.

and so i changed. i learned to use to word “no.” it was hard at first, very hard. but in time, it became easier. and today i am free of the guilt that i am expected to have the answers or be the savior. and i am happy. i am here to lend a helping hand IF i can and IF i want. i no longer put myself on the back burner for the sake of another. and though initially i fought with the notion that this was self-serving, in time i came to realize that it was not — it was merely me honoring myself, loving myself. and when i finally found peace and happiness, something wonderful happened – a better part of me was there to give…..when and if i chose.

thank you for that post.

wondering how you are? …and so proud of you for sharing so much…seems as if you are speaking for thousands…and helping thousands…with your heart! for just opening up and sharing…I hope you get thousands back in return…:-)

I somehow dont agree with a few things, but its great anyways.

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