DancingMermaid » all that love

all that love

i have a dear male friend who i have known for years and years.
we always laugh at one of our first meetings
which took place at the beach.
he was my neighbor back then and lived down the street.
one day i was feeling down and walked out to look at the waves.
on my way there i passed him while he was mowing his lawn.
a few minutes later he appeared there too,
casually asking if he could sit down next to me on the sand.
i brought this up years later and he said,
“i saw you walking out there and i just starting running…
i left the lawnmower running and everything.”

nothing like a sprinting blond surfer
to make a chickie feel special.

that is how i feel about you guys.
you just dropped everything
to come to sit next to me by the sea.
you digged deep into your own pain
to come meet me where i was at.
no questions asked.
just love.

i was not expecting this outpour of care.
there is not a word i can use
to describe the power and beauty
of so many confessing,
“you feel this way? i feel this way too.”

i feel lifted and supported
by an invisible net of compassionate hands.
i feel safe to shed the ache without
fear of being judged or mocked.
this is the gift you gave me.

yesterday was a turning point…
i went down to the sea to take an afternoon stroll.
the sun was out and it almost felt like summer.
a certain fleetwood mac song came on my ipod and my first
instinct was to change it.
then another voice told me no, no,
just listen to the words.
and so i did.

instantly the music went through me
and i felt a huge, overwhelming swell in my chest
to the point that i had to sit down.
i felt my dad there so clearly and intensly
that the swell transformed into big, river running sobs.
all those years of being on meds and not being able to cry
is a frustrating thing.
i have missed my tears,
and it is a blessing to have them back.

when i thought i could cry no more
i got up to head back to the cottage.

right then,
right there,
right smack in front of my face,
swam 5 dolphins.

they went up and down
but did not leave my view.
they just kept going in cirlces.

an older man with plaid pants walked by.
a young red headed woman in neon green shorts jogged by.
the dolphins went down each time,
and resurfaced the instant they were out of sight.

it felt like they were there for me.

it was love.
it was magic.
it was god.

all of your stories and emails
have filled me with such hope.
i intend to respond to each one…
so if you have not heard from me yet you will.

so many of us suffer from the depths of despair.
i share the energy here with you.
all of our stories have power…
and the more we tell them,
the stronger the love and hope grow.
to me, this is as necessary as water.

the one thing that is most clear to me
is that i am not alone in my pain
and my pain is not mine alone.

we are all in this together folks.
thank god.

i love you,
mccabe x

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Your dolphin friends needed to give you a message and I’m glad they found you. The universe is divine my dear and indeed, we’re all in this together. Reading your words made me feel less alone and reading about the absence of tears, confirms my decision to not take meds last year. xo

during my depression experience, the meds flatlined me too. I am now learning how to experience my tears safely (I am finding reiki sessions great for this) and allow the grief I have to express and heal. I understand-what a powerful experience you had. Much love and gentle compassion on your journey-

it is the fact that we share these struggles – each of us in our very unique and incomparable way but neverthess with so much in common – that sustains me on my roughest days.

when i was on the train from San Diego to LA, having left my darling Boho in SD and my beloved Susannah at the airport, feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of picking up my path again alone, i saw 12 dolphins in San Clemente bay. the golden sun, the surfers and the dolphins all were a little gift from the beautiful to me. a little bit like your gift.

we walk the same line.

mccabe,

i feel shy about admitting this, but you are becoming special to me. i love the space that you’ve created here, and each time i return to it i feel both like i’m encountering an old friend, but also someone i’m delighted and excited to discover.

i am glad the magic responded…the world can be such a beautiful place.

i’m glad you had that moment on the beach.

xox

there is such empowerment and healing in exposing our vulnerabilities, isn’t there? you are a gem and it sounds like you really touched down into the depth of your pain. now you can begin to work your way out to sunnier days, one step at a time. you are very much supported, dear one.

dearest mccabe,

your raw emotions strike a chord in so many. your words transcend space and time and pinch where needed. so many of us go through things that we hide from, we hide from even ourselves. you show us that this is a safe haven, a place to pour it all out, to be real. i love this medium. at first i thought, how weird. but i realize that even though it is invisible, the love and friendship made from it isn’t!

if you are ever in florida, plese come to my home and have some chai…

i would love to hang out with you and poaint some rocks and make some art…

peace love & light~

Dolphin Medicine

I think you will find this interesting.

xoxoxoxox

the courage you show in sharing your stories reminds us that we are on the same (but beautifully different) path. thank you. this space you’ve created is a lovely one. i know i come to visit more often on those days when i need a reminder of the things that are true and good and sparkly.

truer words have never

*goosebumps*

your words go deep..like a summer evening game of hide and seek. I feel like you are a friend that’s been hiding in the lilac bushes, and I just found you.

So not alone.
And it sounds like you are finding your own way through this, the space to feel deeply and to let it pass, the freedom to despair and to feel life surging through you.
Continuing to hold you from here.
xoxo

MAGIC.

magic does swirl around you, in all its honest beauty, i can’t wait i until i can someday hug you close, love you …

i just came back from a trip..and read your words…which breaks my heart…but then i remember…

It is only when the mind is still, tranquil, not seeking any solution, any answer, neither resisting nor avoiding, that it is capable of receiving what is true, that which is eternal, timeless, immeasurable. You cannot go to it, it comes to you; what liberates is the truth, not your effort to be free. Be still. Let life flow.”

~ Ramesh Balsekar

I wish I was there to flower you with love…and hugs…and tea….and just BE…with you…in the highs…and the lows…and yes! You are not alone!

We love you soooo much!!!

Love and big hugs!
Lin

your hand is holding mine.

thank you.

i’m thankful that you reached out your hand. xox

Yes, I believe the dolphins were there for you too.

I’ve just read your last post: I couldn’t find your email address. If you email it to me I’d love to get in touch with my own story of depression. It has a hope filled happy ending.

we are in it together babe.
love you,
jess

Your Spirit Guides appeared — just when you needed them most ~ Beautiful my lovely ~

Sending continued healing light your way — pink & lots of it ~

Gentle hugs ….. oxoxo

loving your warmth and magic. you are so special.

The dolphins are so magical. What wonder that they came there just for you. It is so nice that you are able to connect and feel such love and support through this medium. Sending you loving, caring, and healing thoughts. And even though we never met…I sincerely would like you to know that I am here for you on your journey for anything that I could do to make it a little easier for you.

such a blessing.
love you.

you always make me cry!!! in a good way!! i lllllooovvee your post and am moved by your courage and love!
thank you for sharing –
hugs! xoxo

EXACTLY!

Still thinking big thoughts on your behalf, but this time I’ve added more dolphins!!!

I lost my sister in July and have suffered from depression and situational anxiety ever since. I fought it and denied it until it consumed me. With grief counseling (the therapist had a ‘Namaste’ tattoo on her ankle, I KNEW I was going to be in good hands) and a low dose of happy pills, I’ve been able to pull myself out of the quagmire. There is, as you felt, a stigma with mental illness, which prevent many people from getting the help they need. My sister was one of those people and lost her 12 year battle with bi-polar’ism (my word). She was too exhausted to carry on. Her death gave me life. A new life. Light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Keep swimming beautiful Mermaid, there is relief, even if half the battle is against the tide…I promise. > I am SO pleased to have found your beautiful blog/space. Thank you for being so open and magical in all that you share. You humble me.

Namaste sister,
Claudia

oh, yes. yes, yes. you are *so not alone, dear mccabe. love, love, love, gem

Congratulations! You are a winner of a 2007 Blog Envy Award. To see your award, please go here. You can download the image here. We hope you put it on your blog.

glad you had some time to get to know your tears again…what Fleetwood Mac song was it?
wishing you more dolphin days

Lizzie

That’s the one thing I have and always love about where we live, the beach it the ultimate cure. It’s freedom, it’s magic, it’s soul searching it’s therapy. Crying is good for your soul, you know this embrace it…I cried today as much as it hurt it was a free flowing freedom I needed…be thankful darling.

Love,
Char

you guys are so sweet!
thank you.

sweetie, could i email you?

I love when something like that happens, when you know it was just for you, at that moment and time. It may not have been, if you hadn’t felt the pain first. I think that when we feel powerless or hurt or humble we open ourselves up to recieving great blessings.

This post was just awesome! Yup, we’ll get through it, all of us. Together!

I got your message. Thank you.

You’re such a gift in my life… and so many others.

Am I a fool at this late date
To heed a voice that says,
You can be great

I heard it young, now I hear it again
It says, you can be better than you’ve ever been

Chorus:
Don’t want to waste what I have to give
In all of the time that I’ve left to live
Don’t want to waste what I have to give
In any of the time that I’ve got left
I can do more than I thought I could
Work brings more luck than knocking on wood
There’s random bad and random good
Work brings more good luck

You ask the world
And the world says, no
It’s the world’s refrain
Mine says, go
You ask the world
And the world says, no
It’s an old world refrain
Mine says, go

Better be off
I’ve got dreams to dream
Though it seems uphill and a little extreme
If I can find hope in this fading light
Then I’ll find you on the morningside

– Morningside
A Long Time Gone (C. 2001)
John Gorka

Love you so — When I’m sad & feeling blue — I listen to his wonderful voice and feel comforted & cared for — as if being given permission to let go. Feeling sad & emotional tonight myself — so with these beautiful loving words — I bid you adieu ~ my dearest mermie ~

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all that love

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