if you are a little boy of 6
and you choose to flash the neighbors
because someone told you to on a sunday afternoon-
it is minus 26 points for lewd behavior.

hope no one is keeping
tabs on me…..

repression has been a word on my mind lately.

i seem to hear depression used much more freely and consistently. why is that? is there a pill for repression? because almost everyone i know is on something for depression. (myself included)

what is going on?
seriously.

my friend christoph is in russia for the summer and he said the girls wear tight shirts and extremely short skirts. he thinks this is perhaps their way of rebelling against the strict rules of their society. it totally makes sense to me. i get it. you have to put it all SOMEWHERE.

are we perhaps repressed here, too? why do girls whore themselves out on halloween? last time i checked, alice in wonderland was not a hussy. but i get it-it is the one time of year where it is (oddly) socially acceptable to experiment with your sexuality through clothing.

its not just about clothes, obviously, but that is an easy topic to discuss. i remember being little and wanting to wear red rain boots over a creme slip and jeans and being told “it was inappropriate.” now, i grew up in the south and was raised my miss manners, so appropriate was a word used often in our household. don’t stick out. don’t wear white after labor day weekend. and don’t-by any means-wear anything that god forbid is going to attract ATTENTION to yourself. blend. be normal. don’t shake things up.

i wonder how many of us are really just REPRESSED not depressed.

i look at the little girls i teach. they don’t fuss. they don’t suck in or compare their body to someone elses. (i hope they can stay that way forever…) more is better. pile on the glitter. decorate your face and arms with henna tattoos and rhinestones. wear wings because it is tuesday.

remember dress up?

when did we stop playing?
i want to dress up in some way every damn day.

if i don’t play, if i don’t dance, if i don’t get my hands covered in paint, i become sad. and sadness breeds more sadness.

i never have thought of myself as sexy. or even beautiful. i get the cute card and am ok with that. but maybe i should be looking at it differently. sexy seems to be this ONE speed that does not jive with me. does sexy need to be over the top? you see photos of women in magazines (dirty ones too) and so many of them-while conventionally pretty, seem to have a flat beauty. allison calls it dead sexy. like their soul have been ripped out and all that is remaining are vacant eyes and photoshopped breasts.

i want to be free. i want to experiment. but i want to do it on my own terms. i don’t want to be someone elses version of beauty. beauty should radiate. not be put in a box on a shelf labeled: sexy, cute, hot, pretty-in-her-own way, etc etc etc.

i am curious about your thoughts on this.

where do YOU feel repressed?

and can you break out of that mold…..

(shirt is by wildfox)

maybe it was the bright orange paint
maybe it was pixies in rhinestone bindis
toes painted aqua and seafoam green

maybe it was that mix tape

maybe it was the afternoon
we were
dancing
smoking
painting
laughing
on your deck

maybe it was the wings

maybe it was because you called
me a little vixen

maybe it was the moon
maybe it was the skinny dipping

maybe it was the photograph

maybe it was the fresh tomato and basil
toast
she made me
when i was famished

maybe it was the
red shoes
5 inches
with tiny leather flowers
on the ankles

maybe it was the death
of the sad girl

maybe its because
i stopped apologizing

or maybe life just
gets better and better

the less i give a fuck

everything is art. from mccabe russell on Vimeo.

some reading.
some pablo neruda.
some listening.

some laying in the grass under
a ruby sun.
some paint, some glue, some white feathery
paper from japan.

some arcade fire.
some dirt between our toes.
some ocean from not too far away.

some happy hands.

some happy feet.

some letting go.

a fairie garden with rose petals
and twinkle lights.

some weetzie.
some dirk.
some duck.

beautiuful boys
and
beautiful girls.

a walk down a secret path.
a black cat out of nowhere.
a bowl of homemade ginger and brown rice soup
ravished under moonlight.

him picking leaves out of her hair.
her dancing until there is nothing left
but bliss.

lady gaga.
tutu skirts.
a room pulsing with
pink paper hearts
and black hooker heels.

i am free.
i am well.

i am dreams and reality
in the same box.

i am fed.

to be a rockstar.

thankful tonight
for the ones
that wake us up.

double click for larger view.
damn i need more space
on this blog!

she put on her wings
and came back to life.

i have not always been this way.
i have more ocd tendencies than i can count.

i am learning to beat them
to the punch.
the triggers. those damn triggers.

whenever i try to control something that
is out of my control
i get all high strung and freakish over the dumbest things.
like cobwebs.

the irony is that my teaching style
is completely opposite of this.

when i teach, it is like the best
part of me steps up.

the part of me that is free.

this mingling with the
demons does have its time and purpose-
i believe in the balance
of light and dark.

but when it gets to be too much-

god, i get so fucking sick
of their tune.
its old.
it makes me feel bad.

and most of all-it keeps me from my JOY
one of my core values is joy.

funny how when you go against who you really are
your body immediately reacts.
(depression, anxiety, etc..)

my gremlins are starting to feel like
an ex-boyfriend who i think of occasionally
but really have no desire to sleep with anymore.

the zing is gone.
zip.

at this place in my life,
i would really like to make up for all the
days i kept myself from having fun
because i was too focused on the bad stuff.

i want adventure.
i want color.
i want cowgirl boots in every shade.

and also,
i really want a champagne bike ride.

(my new favorite song from monster paws:)

first things first.

francesca lia block: author of my all-time favorite book dangerous angels (among many) and i are running a workshop together august 21. the deets are here. if you are in the LA area, or by the LA area, we would love to see you there. its a writing+art workshop. i have personally taken francesca’s writing classes before and this woman knows what she is talking about. not only is she a great writer herself, but she is also an excellent teacher. i will be there armed with glitter, paint, and a few other things. and it is going to be FUN!!!!!!

you can also email me at mccabe@dancingmermaid with any questions.

second off. yes, i have not been here in awhile. and i don’t want to apologize for that. when did we start apologizing for not blogging? can we stop doing that? because i already have enough things i feel bad about and do not need anything added to the pile.

i WILL SAY though that i miss writing here.
and you!

hello, there.
nice to see you again!