(above, partners in crime eva and antonia)

you know, i am discovering more and more that one of the biggest gifts you can receive is to be painfully humbled. i can’t believe i just admitted that because when it is happening i am the first to blame the world, the church, and my unfortunate head of hair for all the unfavorable shenanigans i get myself into.

by the way, when i say humbled, i mean HUMBLED. i mean don’t have a job for more than 4 months and go through a self destructive phase while choosing not to do art, write, or anything else that could possibly get you in a better place. i mean push good people away and decide to only date emotionally unavailable people. i mean go on an all carb diet then compare your body to women who work out 3 hours a day.

everyone has been there and the hardest part is admitting that not only did you get yourself in there- but you refuse to get yourself out. that is until you just have had ENOUGH. you are DONE.

and minutes later, you find yourself smiling at a tiny yellow daisy growing in a sidewalk crack. a flower that has no reason to thrive, and yet blooms anyway.

a good friend told me the other day that her yoga teacher said the only way to true enlightenment is letting go of all blame and being humbled.

it is simple,
and it is hard as HELL.

but there will be a day, a nothing special kind of day-where you are struck with a kaleidscope of random goodness, and a swell of happy will surprise you.

it will be a different kind of happy than a flirty text or finally fitting back
into your skinny jeans.

it will be a happy that contains demons and muck,
blood and sweat.
shame and destruction.

a happy that you walked through fire
to see.

fleeting.
yet potent.

and in that burst of happy you see all the love that surrouds you and the peeps who have stood by you thick and thin, even when you were being a total asshole. and you will start to get that maybe you deserve this goodness. you will begin taking steps to stop sabataging.

so you-
you who is lingering in the blackest of black holes,
feeling dark and dank.
you who cannot remember
the light
and want to punch peppy people in the face….

i am routing for you.
i am carrying a yellow daisy
with your name on it.

(above: abigail rae, who has no trouble asking for what she needs.)

it seems like everyone i know needs some kind of help and no one is willing to ask for it. and might i add these are the some of the biggest givers i know. so whats going on?

why is no asking for what they need?

answers i have recently collected:
-i would be too much trouble
-don’t want to put anyone out
-pride/i can do it myself
-i can’t ask

i put myself in this clump. i hate, hate asking for any kind of help. i go through a list of why i should not ask reasons before i ask life altering questions like “could you help me move my tv from here to 5 feet over there?” usually i wait until i have had some sort of meltdown until i reach out, until captain jack has dragged an entire uneaten chicken (bones and all) out of the trash and dragged it around the house. when i have a headache and am out of groceries and forgot to drink enough water for the day. until i am crying on the kitchen floor with chicken bones and unwashed dishes and i realize i don’t have that one person to call anymore. until realizing that i need new people, a new system.

my neighbor/friend mentioned the other day that her dog got out again and im all hey why didnt you call me i was home…how often do you find yourself saying that to friends after they explain some incident that you could have easily assisted with? because i find myself saying that a lot lately, and i have noticed that people are saying the same to me.

it does not take much. i finally started telling people that i feel edgy at night and am not quite adjusted to living alone and guess how many people offered to text or stop by when this happened? (i totally appreciate this way more than people know. and i have also gotten to know my rad next door neighbors due to this confession)

you see where i am going with this. just f-ing ask already. you who watches your friends kids when someone clearly needs a break. you who introduces everyone by their best qualities. you who brings chicken soup over when a friend is sick. people want to give to YOU because you do so much for others. we want to help in small and big ways because the things you do make a difference and we all want to be a part of that energy.

people are not mind readers. im guessing that there is something right now you need help with and are hesiating. i encourage you to reach out today.

besides, most people like to help.

ask.

pay attention to:
{without judgement}

what is bringing you joy
and stealing it

what is making you
angry
jealous
resentful

sweet things that people
do for you
{friends and strangers, big and small}

your energy levels
{how much you are giving out/taking in}
sleeping and eating patterns

when they are high
and low

color
sound
movement

what gives you anxiety
and what gets you excited

(and remember that anticipation and fear feel the same,
leave room for both)

how much you are creating
and if you are not,
the things that are stopping you
(list them}

things that DRAIN you
notice when you feel annoyed
edgy or sad

things that FILL YOU UP
light you up
get you started

our lives are full of clues
and its easy to get caught in the web
of chaos

i often wait until the tank is
on empty
before i stop and ask myself
these questions

and can map the exact
moment of when i should have
said yes or no.

im only human
and yes,

i need to learn
again and again.

{and most important be grateful! grateful! grateful!}

ok so adele is too big
angelina too small
(and poses too much)

and why it is even a question
if chris brown is a douchebag or not
baffles me.

i watch the little girls i teach
and they are so strong, so determined,
passionate courageous and damn right unstopable.

my biggest concern is that they
do not kill each other on their
way to taking over the world…

i love that fire in girls
(please never lose that)
and i really hope that they don’t spend
their whole twenties and thirties and forties
running around trying to please everyone or
holding in the opinions that matter because
they do not want to ruffle any feathers.

to imagine any of those girls
hanging out with boys who don’t value their magic
or silently bashing themselves during bikini season
hurts my heart.

yet i still do this
as do many of my smart, beautiful girlfriends
and we console each other
make each other love potions
plan silly brunches and spend nights making art on the floor
with whiskey and tea…

we all remind each other
yes you are enough
and no, you do not have to be THAT good
and yes is it right and good to stick up for what
you believe without feeling guilty or ashamed.

i wonder what this next generation
looks like
and i am hoping that
their spirits keep getting stronger

while keeping
vulnerability and
sensitivity

i am hoping for great change
more unruliness
less self destruction
more mistakes/taking risks
less staying safe
more wildness
less staying in bad relationships
and jobs out of fear

i wish this for you
for me
and for everyone else.

lets stop beating up
on each other
and ourselves

lets say fuck the
pretty girls club
and focus on the things that are real and true.

(above, the lovely melinda)

sometimes it feels like tiptoeing
barefoot on broken glass
deep down inside,
delicate and deadly.

but that is beside
the point.

i was thinking i would be more evolved
by now.
surely the size of my ass and the state
of my hair
should not dictate my happiness
anymore.

(oh but it festers.)

i think about the lists upon lists
of my heart
that have built up over the years

boys with sad eyes and pretty guitars
a novel of promises
more champagne than i could ever consume
in one lifetime

a cottage by the sea,
sandy floors and tangled sheets.
a world of my own free of pain, cruel words
and comparisons,

an ending to the chaos.

perhaps i almost pulled it off?
but not really.

i find myself with no sea
a quiet yellow house that i love and fear
at the same time.

a completely different story
than the one i had
carefully mapped out

but sort of magical
all the same.

do not be fooled.
i do not know what i am doing.
i do not know how i got here.

i only know i love the setting of the sun
and the funny expression that invades your face
when you thought that life could no longer surprise you.

those fucking rigid lists of demands
these are things i need to be happy
somehow reincarnated into

i really want to be happy where i am at.

no fireworks.
no invitations.

just, me.
completely ordinary.

simplicity.
gratitude.
grace.

i would like to think we are all more

than a number on the scale,
a facebook page,
or a bank account.

i would like to think our
influence is unmeasurable,

and that there is no finsih line
because everything we need is right
here where we are at,

and always has been.

its so simple and yet
i cannot grasp it.

i am young
and i am humbled.

forgive me, beautiful life.
this is where i am.

its funny how we are so focused
on the flaws

that we forget that
on the other side of
that monster

is your very own
remedy of magic powers.

they are
one in the same,

maybe unaware
of each others existence

but unable to survive
without the other.

(because this is how my brain works)

1.) what i inherited from my dad: an irish red hot temper and warm heart. quick to over-react and just as quick to forgive and move on.

2.) i eat the same food over and over until im so sick of it i can’t even stand it. this week its brown rice and beans with green chile. i’m on day 6.

3.) someone mentioned putt putt on facebook today and i had a flashback of being kicked out of one when i was 7 because i drove a gulfball into the magic castle not knowing my own strength. i was SO ASHAMED and wish some grown-up would have thought it was funny and told me it was okay. my cousins thought it was hilarious but still. fuck putt putt.

4.) i cuss a lot.

5.) i have no favorite color but turquoise and tangerine are right up there.

6.) i have commitment issues.

7.) i think most kids are way cooler than adults.

8.) i feel like elle woods in the real world work force or whatever you want to label it. i would totally scent my resume if i could figure out how to not stain the paper.

9.) dating is just as complicated as it was in the 4th grade.

10.) i don’t get the saying “she just wanted her cake and to eat it too.” if it was my cake, why in gods name would i not want to eat it?

11.) one of my favorite things about abq: people are so open and friendly! you can’t ask for more than that.

12.) inappropriate is my second favorite word.

13.) i have found that your joy will sometimes trigger others bitterness.

14.) regular dance parties keep me sane.

15.) i sort of miss landlines and long twirly phone cords.

16.) i love that people ask to come over to my cottage to do art.

17.) i think i am an over-cuddler.

18.) i miss the sea but love the mountains and purple sky here.

19.) if i was queen for the day i would insist no one get out of their pajamas and come over for jameson and chocolate chip pancakes.

20.) reality often bores me.

21.) i sometimes wonder what it would be like to be normal.

22.) if i was independently wealthy i would get on a plane and visit all my favorites.

23.) magic and kindness are the most important things. but i am learning, so is risk…

your turn!

tagged:

sarah
jen
leah
lori
tristan
tricia

its like this:

i want to tell you it
will all work out
and be ok in the end.

(it really will)

but the truth is,
it is probably not going to look anything
like you think it is going to look like.

he is not going to say the right thing.
they may not fight for you
in the way you think you deserve.

life is unfair
and messy.

fucked up even.

but there is a light.

and it is here,
in the unexpected:

the complete ridiculousness/joy of a child
explaining things.

the way his voice
slips down like a good red
oaky and smooth.

the man with no teeth opening
the door for you at the 7-11 at 2am.

no matter how much good you do
the world owes you no favors.

the magic,
yes i over-use that word
but only because it is the most
important thing….

the magic is what matters.
give it out freely.
give it to people who are sad and cranky.
give it to children in the form of sidewalk chalk
and macaroni necklaces.

dont be a cynic.

i know it makes no sense.
i offer no wisdom.

but the love….

i feel the love.
its all around,

and its all we have.

risk being optimsitic.
risk being you.

i dare you.

i never understood the mechanics
of the sky
or the moon

or why i thrive in the fog
and often hide from the sun.

i learned to swim in the ocean.

as the story goes, i was about one when my mom took me to the
neighborhood pool for the mommy and me swim class.
the teacher lined up the new mothers on the side of the pool and
instructed they chuck their babies in the water on the count of three.

we were gone by two.
that was my one and only swimming lesson.

my dad started taking me out to the sea daily after that.
the waves scared me.
i was not one of those fearless kids
who threw themselves into the water with wild abandon.

i was taught the dangers of the sea
early on.
i knew all about rip currents

and then there was
that summer that a body washed
up on shore-

i never saw anything but it was on the news and you
could see our cottage in the background.
the woman was on vacation from new jersey.
she had a husband
and two young daughters and they were all there when it happened.

that was the same summer that i was at a friends house
when his parents let me and the other kids go swimming
while all the grown-ups drank margaritas on the deck.

i wondered how long it would take
one of the adults to discover that a kid was missing
while i sat on the beach and counted heads the
whole time.

my relationship
with the sea
will always be complicated

and i don’t know what
it feels like to live away
from it for very long.

maybe i will find new wells,
new sources of life.

i do not know.

brave is just a silly little word.

i am small
and uncertain

curious and
fine,

…still very much looking
for any sign
of life.

above, fellow woodnymph natalie.
*******

it is when i am with you
that i find it impossible
to be cynical or snarly

it would be like
saying i don’t believe in faeries
in a room full of sprites…